Being ashamed is a deeply human feeling. This emotion can sometimes play a protective role, helping us to adjust our behavior. But when it becomes paralyzing and prevents us from moving forward, this feeling becomes toxic.
“Shame may not be toxic. But when it locks us into a feeling of inferiority, it becomes profoundly devastating.“, warns Pascal Anger, psychologist and author of the book “The couple and the other” (Editions L’Harmattan).
Here are the signs to recognize to identify this destructive “self-hatred”… and the solutions to free yourself from it – in time.
A difficult childhood
If this self-hatred can appear late, it usually feeds on our… past insecurities. Toxic shame actually takes root in early childhood.
“It is a very old trauma, dating from our childhood, when emotional needs were not met.“, specifies the practitioner. Indeed, parents who are not very present, insecure and/or not very attentive can fuel this poor self-esteem.
“The child internalizes this feeling of rejection. He keeps this little critical voice of himself which will prevent him from overcoming obstacles.“
A feeling of inferiority
As a result, as an adult, the feeling of being stuck in your life is real.
“We have the feeling that we will never succeed, that we have no right to love, no right to anything. Ultimately, that we are not worthy of being recognized as a good person“, underlines the expert.
Important detail: this feeling of not being good enough”comes from ourselves, not from others“, specifies the specialist. It is therefore difficult to break away from this feeling, which does not leave us from morning to evening. “The bad image we have of ourselves is something that is deeply rooted in us and does not disappear easily.”
A constant devaluation
Beyond this feeling of inferiority that is difficult to live with on a daily basis, toxic shame also leads to constant devaluation in public. The person puts themselves down, minimizes their successes and feels like a permanent failure.
“We are always missing that little something that allows us to shine, to be “better” than the other. Result ? We always think that we don’t deserve this promotion, this compliment…“, specifies Pascal Anger.
At work as in love, the “ashamed” person therefore dwells on his faults. She apologizes and constantly rephrases her words, for fear of having made a mistake, of having “done it wrong”.
A withdrawal into oneself
Not surprisingly, this feeling of disgust towards oneself often leads to withdrawal and isolation because the gaze of others becomes unbearable. “It’s a form of avoidance. But we will quickly feel very alone“, warns the psychologist.
A “physical” shame
This sign, more discreet, is however very real.
“Often, people who harbor this rejection of who they are are ashamed of their appearance. The slightest imperfection becomes insurmountable. They are not very kind to themselves“, assures Pascal Anger.
Because of their (false) physical imperfections, the person affected by this syndrome will have a strong penchant for comparison (You are more beautiful, thinner than me…).
Palpitations and sweaty palms
Toxic shame does not only affect the psyche: it is also embodied in the body.
“Dry mouth, racing heart, sweaty fingers are typical symptoms“, recognizes the psychologist. These symptoms are often accompanied by episodes of rumination, avoidance or depression.
Self-hatred: how to free yourself from it?
To escape this paralyzing shame, Pascal Anger insists on the need for in-depth work: “We need to be aware of what is happening. Have more positive language about yourself. Understand why there is so much blame and humiliation“, he emphasizes.
This goes through:
- Therapy to “revisit” past trauma;
- Work on his ego.
“Freeing yourself from it means securing yourself, empowering yourself, accepting yourself with your flaws. We need to work on these traumas and also better manage our anxieties. Finally, learning to talk about your emotions without shame is necessary“, he concludes.
With appropriate support, it is possible to become the best version of yourself!