“Sometimes it’s our closest friends who hurt us the most…”, “More than ever, I need all your thoughts today”… On Facebook or other social networks, some people are accustomed to these enigmatic announcements: a vague thought, which does not say everything, but which very often indicates a difficulty. In web jargon, this is what we call “vague booking”. But what does such a message mean about the person who originated it?
Saying without saying: an old habit amplified by the networks
“It existed long before social networks,” reminds True Medical clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza. The implication, the half-said sentence, the message launched to be understood without being clearly formulated… nothing new. Except that with networks, the phenomenon takes on another scale.
“On the networks, it’s worse. Because you never really know who it’s aimed at,” she explains. These sentences are thrown like bottles into the sea, visible to dozens, sometimes hundreds of people. Everyone then asks themselves: Does this concern me? Did I do something? Should I answer?
Because obviously, vague booking is not a simple sharing of moods. It’s a disguised request. Support, validation, sometimes repair. “A request for love”we would say in psychoanalysis.
We suggest suffering, without fully exposing ourselves. We hope that the other will guess, recognize, take a position.
A way to keep control
Sharing is therefore not innocent. There is also a form of control in this fuzzy communication. “By remaining vague, the person who publishes keeps control. She doesn’t name anyone, doesn’t say anything specifically, but collects reactions: private messages, comments, likes, encouragement” analyzes the psychologist.
During this time, she remains in the center, without ever entering into a real face-to-face encounter. A way to receive attention without facing a direct discussion, sometimes dreaded.
However, this forgets that for those who read, on the other hand, the effect is often very different. “It’s uncomfortable, sometimes even indecent.”summarizes Amélie Boukhobza. The discomfort is real, especially when you are part of the close entourage.
Fear of rejection, loneliness and indirect conflicts
These messages often leave loved ones perplexed. A simple “I’m going to go away for a bit” can just as easily hide an illness as a personal project or a breakup. The vagueness prevents us from helping clearly.
Why then not say things frankly? Because, often, vague booking helps avoid rejection. Studies show these posts are associated with greater loneliness and more online gossip. More introverted or emotionally fragile people may use these messages to “test” others for attention, hoping to be asked: How are you ?
Sometimes also, vague booking is used to reach a specific person, without naming them.
A question of attachment style
Finally, our way of communicating online is not trivial. It is often linked to our attachment style, a well-known concept in psychology.
Securely attached people typically handle conflict face-to-face. They rarely use networks to seek emotional support. Conversely, those with anxious attachment intensely seek closeness, but have difficulty asking for help directly. Networks then become a roundabout way of obtaining validation and reassurance…. and proof that your attachment is not so strong.
How to react without fueling unease?
Faced with an enigmatic publication, the temptation is great to comment immediately. So how do you respond, as a friend, without falling into the trap? Because the challenge is precisely not to play the same game.
“First, it’s about not overinterpreting” advises the psychologist. Vague booking speaks more about the person who posts than those who read. If you want to answer, the best thing to do is keep it simple. A message like: “If you need to talk, I’m here” is enough. “You open a door, without rushing into it.” It’s up to the other person to decide if they really want to talk or not.
If you feel targeted, on the other hand, there is no point in resolving this in comments or by interposed innuendo. “The healthiest remains offline. The private. And the clear one especially contrary to the initial statement!” adjust the psychologist.
And then sometimes, not responding is also an answer. “We are not obliged to guess. Nor to wear what is not formulated”, recalls Amélie Boukhobza
You are the one creating these messages
Finally, you may be the one posting this type of message. To feel seen, heard, supported. But social networks remain an imperfect tool for expressing them. “Talking to a trusted person, or a professional, can help find more direct and calming modes of communicationwithout going through vagueness and collective unease” concludes our expert.
Because ultimately, saying things clearly is often the best way… to really be heard.