Thunderbolt in the world of stars: after ten years of living together, Vanessa Paradis and Samuel Benchetrit have decided to separate. A breakup that seems thoughtful – even relatively peaceful – if their words are to be believed. However, is it really possible to end a love affair without hatred or resentment? What does this apparent serenity say about their relationship? Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist, answers us.
A separation announced with modesty, far from the clichés of a breakup
It is through an official press release that Vanessa Paradis and Samuel Benchetrit announced their separation, after ten years of living together, including eight years of marriage. Together since 2016, the two artists met on the set of the film “Dog”directed by Samuel Benchetrit, before getting married in 2018 in the greatest discretion.
Faithful to their values, and anxious to protect their privacy, they chose a joint announcement, indicating that they were separating.in the respect and affection that they continue to show each other“. A (very) rare way of doing things in a media landscape where celebrity breakups are often accompanied by public settling of scores…
At the same time, this statement also calls into question the idea that a separation is necessarily synonymous with anger or disenchantment.
“We so often associate separation with failure, conflict or the disappearance of feelings that a peaceful separation can almost seem… suspicious”recognizes Amélie Boukhobza. “However, we can absolutely leave someone we still love. Or, at least, someone for whom we continue to feel affection, attachment, esteem”specifies Amélie Boukhobza.
Can you really love someone… and still decide to leave?
For many, the breakup marks the end of love. However, in reality, emotions are often much more nuanced. It happens that a couple can no longer find their balance even though the feelings have not completely disappeared.
“Because loving someone and being able to continue living with them are two different things. You can continue to love someone with whom, despite everything, life is no longer compatible. For a thousand reasons”explains the expert.
“A couple can have been happy and still reach the end of what they could build together. Desires evolve, projects change, so do ways of living. Availability is no longer necessarily the same. It is quite possible that the couple no longer works, without the love disappearing”continues the practitioner.
This is also what makes some breakups particularly trying. “It would almost be easier to leave when you no longer feel anything”confides the specialist.
How then do we manage to leave each other peacefully? This requires renouncing a logic of confrontation.
“Separating ‘with respect and affection’, as they say, is not inconsistent. But this actually requires managing not to transform the end of the couple into a trial of the other. Not needing to designate a culprit in order to accept that a story ends.”indicates the expert.
A breakup doesn’t erase the value of a story
Nowadays, the success of a couple is still too often measured by its duration. However, a relationship can have a profound impact on two people without being intended to last a lifetime.
“This is something I often say: a separation does not necessarily mean that the story was a failure”recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
“We still tend to think that a couple that lasts is a successful couple and that a couple that separates is a failure. In reality, things are much more complex“, insists the specialist.”A relationship can be beautiful for what it was, for the time it lasted. It may have been happy, structuring, even essential, for ten years, then no longer have any reason to continue in the same form.“, she continues.
Experience, a factor that comes into account
Years of life can also help to better understand this key stage.
“Can age play a role? Probably. But I would rather speak of experience than of maturity”specifies the psychologist.
“Indeed, at 50, we often know our limits better. Normally, we have already gone through stories, breakups, perhaps built a family. We have also lost some illusions. And perhaps we understand better that a relationship can end without it being necessary to destroy everything that preceded it.”
However, the psychologist invites us not to idealize this apparent perfect breakup.
“A peaceful press release obviously tells us nothing about what really happened in the private life of this couple”recalls the expert.
“We can leave each other properly after having suffered a lot. And, when we are a public couple, deciding together to protect what has existed rather than exposing our wounds or grievances to the whole world. This is proof of intelligence…”concludes Amélie Boukhobza.
A peaceful separation therefore does not mean that there was no pain. Above all, it tells another way of putting an end to a story: without denying what existed, without seeking to rewrite the past or sully the other.