Always ready to anticipate a thirst, to avoid a fall or to soothe the slightest frustration even before it is expressed, “Velcro” parents act with a noble intention: to offer absolute security.
However, this hyperpresence, while it reassures the adult, can deprive the child of the experiences necessary for his construction. Between the desire for protection and the need for autonomy, how can we find the right balance? Dr Stéphane Clerget, child psychiatrist, provides his insight.
A closeness that takes root from the cradle
The phenomenon often begins in the first months of life. If fusion is natural with an infant, it becomes problematic when it extends over time without adapting to the child’s new abilities.
Dr. Clerget emphasizes that these parents have an emotional closeness with their child which allows their child to develop little autonomy. “If, initially, this attitude is not harmful because it promotes secure attachment and produces good-natured babies who feel supported, the risk is that this behavior continues. he emphasizes.
According to the expert, such hyperpresence can prove to be blocking during key stages: it can, for example, “prevent the child from walking for fear of falling, or hinder the independent completion of school homework.
The psychological causes of hyperparenting
Why do some parents struggle so much to give their child space? Behind the protective gesture are often hidden deeper wounds or societal pressures. Dr Clerget explains that this behavior is explained by a lack of confidence in the child’s skills, often driven by anxious parents.
He also analyzes that these adults have sometimes experienced emotional deficiencies or emotional insecurity that they seek to compensate for.
“Sometimes, it is the fear of their own uselessness that paralyzes them: the parent fears that the child, by becoming independent, will no longer need him; he then disqualifies himself and a feeling of abandonment takes over.”
Finally, the media omnipresence of risks (accidents, harassment) fuels guilt which makes “letting go” all the more difficult.
The risks: from dependence to inhibition
By trying to smooth out all the obstacles, we end up making the child’s playground too smooth for him to learn to climb. A child raised in a “Velcro” dynamic risks developing a low tolerance for frustration and doubting his own resources.
Dr Clerget warns of long-term consequences. “The risk is to make the child vulnerable, because he or she may constantly need the support of a third party to act..
This can lead to inhibition, both in the private sphere and at school, where the student no longer dares to take initiatives. In adulthood, the expert warns that this can lead to a “passive and dependent on others” profile, marked by a chronic lack of self-confidence.
Learning to “disengage”: 4 keys to autonomy
To get out of this fusion pattern, it is not a question of withdrawing your love, but of transforming your posture. Here are some ways to encourage your child to take off:
- Delegate and defer. Learn to let the other parent intervene or wait a few minutes before responding to a non-urgent request. As Dr. Clerget suggests, you should stay at a distance and only intervene later, letting the child take the initiative in his or her choices (clothing, activities) before checking the result.
- Value effort rather than result.
Encourage perseverance. The important thing is not that the puzzle is completed, but that the child has looked for the solution on his own. - Welcoming emotions without erasing them. Instead of saying “it’s nothing,” validate the sadness or anger. This helps the child regulate stress rather than fleeing from it.
- Tame your own anxiety. It is essential to verbalize your presence not out of lack of confidence in the child, but as support, while learning, as an adult, to support this anxiety of risk to allow the child to progress.