You are an accomplished adult, you manage your work, your daily life, your responsibilities and sometimes even an entire family. And yet, nothing helps. It’s often enough to cross the threshold of the family home for something to change. In a few minutes, you find yourself justifying yourself, getting angry over trifles or falling back into sibling rivalries that you thought had been buried since adolescence. This phenomenon is much more common than you imagine. And above all, it has nothing to do with a lack of maturity.
When the family environment reactivates our “child version”
According to psychologists, our identity is largely constructed within our family. This is where we learned what was expected of us, how to get attention, avoid conflict or find our place. These deeply rooted attachment mechanisms do not disappear with age.
Thus, returning to one’s parents means returning to a setting loaded with memories, roles and implicit rules. A harmless remark, a look, a family habit is sometimes enough to reactivate these old reflexes. Not because those close to us voluntarily make us “regress”, but because our brain recognizes familiar territory… and brings out old ways of functioning.
“We all believe, a little, in Santa Claus, to the point of disappointment”
For Pascal Anger, psychologist, this return to childhood is also linked to a very human expectation.
“I believe that we all need, for a little while, to believe in Santa Claus. And this, every year“, he explains. In other words, returning to your parents’ house often means nourishing the hope – sometimes unconscious – that everything will go well, that the atmosphere will be warm, that everyone will live up to our expectations.
But reality rarely lives up to this projection.
“We are enthusiastic, then disappointed, because it is never exactly as we had imagined”summarizes the psychologist. This gap between the ideal and the real creates frustration, annoyance… and excessive reactions.
Family roles: difficult to change
Another key element, according to Pascal Anger, lies in the roles assigned within the family. “Everyone returns to their position, their posture. There are those who shop, those who cook, the “good” ones, the “bad” ones.”he explains.
Even as adults, and despite our efforts, family tends to put us back in the box that was once ours. And trying to get out of it is not that simple.
“Moving places in a family is complicated. Changing a system that doesn’t want to move is the most difficult thing”underlines the psychologist.
Changing one’s role assumes that the entire family system accepts this change. However, this is not always possible, nor even desired by everyone.
Why does it affect us so much?
What makes these situations so irritating is that they weaken our sense of adult identity. We feel brought back to a younger version of ourselves, less secure, more sensitive to the eyes of others. We then react with too much emotion, too much anger or too much need for justification.
However, as specialists point out, our “adult self” has not disappeared. It is simply muted by old automations.
How to get through these moments without exploding
Pascal Anger calls for a pragmatic approach. No need to aim for perfection or want to fix everything during the holidays.
“Also telling yourself that it will last 24 or 48 hours helps a lot.“, he puts things into perspective. Accepting that the family environment is imperfect already helps reduce the pressure.
A few simple tips can help:
- Take a step back : move away for a few minutes, breathe, take a break;
- Reconnect with yourself : remember who we have become, outside the family context;
- Talk to an ally : a brother, a sister, or an understanding person can serve as emotional support;
- Choose your battles : make temporary concessions to preserve the overall atmosphere.
Christmas, between desire and apprehension
“Christmas, we dread it as much as we want it”, sums up Pascal Anger. Family celebrations are full of rituals and rules that are difficult to change. They awaken both the desire for connection and the fear of tensions.
Accepting this ambivalence, recognizing that regression is partly normal, already allows us to experience it with a little more gentleness.
We don’t always choose how we feel, but we can sometimes choose how we respond to them.
And sometimes, that’s enough to transform a dreaded moment… into a bearable, even warm, memory. Written in family history.