You probably know this person who monopolizes the conversation, digresses at length and doesn’t let you talk. Whether it’s a professional meeting, another parent of a student, a paternalistic figure… the method is the same: you are trapped in endless logorrhea with no way out. In the jargon, we say being “tunneled”. A word that makes sense.
What exactly is being “tunneled”?
To be trapped in a tunnel is to have the unpleasant impression of being captive in a monologue of which you never see the end. Your interlocutor speaks, bounces back on his own anecdotes, answers his own questions and leaves no space for dialogue. You are no longer a participant in the conversation, but a mere spectator.
The term is not new. Originally, it comes from theater slang, where a “tunnel” designated a very long monologue likely to make the audience tune out… or to put the actor’s memory to the test. The expression then extended to all endless speeches, before being used today on social networks to designate these one-way conversations that many experience on a daily basis.
At the office, among neighbors, during a dinner or even in the famous vocals lasting several minutes sent to messaging services, the feeling is always the same: impossible to catch one’s breath… or to speak.
Why is it so unpleasant?
Beyond boredom, being “tunneled” often provides a real feeling of erasure. We no longer feel listened to, or even considered as an interlocutor.
The conversation then loses its primary function: that of an exchange. It becomes a monologue where one speaks while the other simply waits for it to stop.
This feeling is all the more common in situations where politeness or friendliness prevent us from interrupting others. At the coffee machine, at a party or on the landing of the building, it’s difficult to cut things short without fear of appearing rude.
A sometimes very discreet balance of power
The phenomenon is far from trivial. It can even reflect a form of domination.
In the professional world in particular, people occupying a high hierarchical position monopolize the floor more easily. Their status gives them an implicit authority that discourages interruptions. He who speaks for a long time imposes his rhythm, his subject and his vision of things.
Certain forms of “mansplaining” are a good example: one person explains at length to another a subject that they master perfectly, without giving them the opportunity to respond. More than an exchange, it is a demonstration of authority.
But tunneling does not only concern hierarchical relationships. It can also appear in a loved one who systematically monopolizes discussions, in a passionate colleague or in an acquaintance who transforms each meeting into an impromptu conference.
What if we were sometimes… the tunneler?
But, at the risk of shocking you, know that you can also be a tunneler. When we go through a breakup, a period of anxiety or a personal difficulty, our suffering sometimes takes over. Without realizing it, we talk at length, keep coming back to the same subject and stop noticing the signs of weariness from our interlocutor.
The real warning sign? When you no longer notice that the other person is looking at their watch, turning their body towards the exit or trying to change the subject.
A balanced conversation involves giving everyone space, even when we have a lot to say.
How to elegantly exit a tunnel?
Good news all the same: it is not necessary to endure a monologue until the end out of simple politeness. And from this tunnel you can get out.
To do this, clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza first recommends “not getting into their rhythm”. The more we follow up with the person with long answers, the more they start again.
“Then, we keep the answers short and precise so as not to add to the flow“, she advises.
Another effective technique: slowly regain control of the conversation.
The psychologist suggests “refocus the conversation by asking a more specific question or introducing a new topic“. This delicate strategy allows you to break up the monologue without creating confrontation.
When you need to know how to set a limit
If, despite everything, the person continues to monopolize the floor, it becomes perfectly legitimate to end the exchange.
“On the other hand, if the dialogue drags on, we can politely and kindly make it clear that we must leave or that we have something to do… Just to end the discussion without conflict, while setting a clear limit. We can also use humor depending on the degree of closeness we have with the person. Light humor, teasing about the fact that he or she talks a lot“, recommends Amélie Boukhobza.
And when the behavior is repeated regularly, especially at work or in a close relationship, it is better to be more explicit.
“We can say things simply. Explain, tactfully, that we need a slightly more balanced exchange.”
Because a successful conversation is not one where one person speaks without interruption. It is the one where everyone naturally finds their place. And sometimes, a few words are enough to get out of the tunnel… before leaving all your energy there.