You should stop chasing compliments and here’s why according to a psychologist

You should stop chasing compliments and here's why according to a psychologist
What if we stopped chasing compliments? This is risky and manipulative behavior, often fueled by insecurity. Explanations

In an article published on the website of Psychology TodayJoachim Krueger, Professor of cognitive, linguistic and psychological sciences, deciphers a social phenomenon that is both subtle and annoying: fishing for compliments. According to him, seeking compliments is quite common, but we don’t really know if it’s effective.

Why ask for compliments?

Scientific data is rare, and the subject seems little studied. “However, we find some interesting work on humblebrag (these false modesties which hide a bit of boasting), which is one of the ways of “fishing” for compliments (Sezer et al., 2018; see also Krueger, 2022). Other than that, the WikiHow site offers a good summary, based mainly on clinical experience and popular intuition (Campos & Carreau, 2024)”reports the psychologist.

The insecurity of the person seeking compliments is not the only factor at play, but it is an important one. And even if the person targeted by this tactic isn’t always bothered, they often are. So why ask for compliments if it sometimes causes a little discomfort in others? The specialist suggests considering this practice as a social game, where the interests of the person seeking to be complimented and those of the targeted person are not always aligned.

It’s a strategic and risky social game

Fishing for compliments is presented as a subtle, but also manipulative, social tactic. When someone asks for a compliment, they put the other person in a delicate situation: to respond or not. If he chooses not to respond, the result is mutual inaction, which is disappointing for the one seeking praise. Even if the target person responds, there is still a risk of irritating or annoying the other person, because this strategy imposes a small effort or cost on the person who must compliment.

Behavior motivated by insecurity or narcissism

Joachim Krueger points out that this behavior often comes from personal psychological needs:

  • Insecurity pushes the person to constantly seek external validation to feel valued;
  • Narcissism leads us to think that we can subtly manipulate others to obtain a compliment effortlessly.

According to the psychologist, these motivations are not ideal, because they reflect an unbalanced relationship with others and do not promote authentic relationships.

A compliment is only valuable if it is spontaneous

A compliment loses its value if you have to ask for it. In an ideal world (Zen or deterministic, depending on the expert), asking for or giving compliments would not exist. True humility, according to Krueger and Grüning, consists of:

  • Offer compliments sincerely, but in moderation;
  • Never expect or ask for it;
  • Let the compliment be a spontaneous gift, which thus retains all its meaning and emotional value.

It’s a question of respect for others

Offering a compliment requires some effort for the person giving it. If someone constantly seeks compliments, they place that burden on others. Compliments then become less pleasant and more automatic, and can irritate or frustrate the targeted person. For compliments to have a real impact, they must be: spontaneous, voluntary, and unsolicited.