When your other half recently cheated on you, you find yourself feeling guilty. “What if it was my fault?“. This phenomenon of reverse guilt, where we feel responsible for infidelity, is more common than we imagine, according to an expert. Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and author of the work “Fears in romantic relationshipshelps us understand this mechanism.
Feeling guilty “allows you to give meaning to a betrayal”
Logically, when he/she has deceived us, ghosted us, lied, it is up to him/her to feel guilty. However, many of us feel “responsible” for this act that hurts us. Part of us is looking for an explanation and if none is given, we would rather blame our own behavior than accept the inexplicable. Feeling guilty thus allows you to “give meaning” to a sudden breakup or a painful betrayal.
“It is a form of psychological protection: if I am at fault, then I could have done differently, avoided this pain. It gives us a feeling of control over events, even if illusory.“, reveals Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst, author and therapist, in a press release.
According to the expert, this mechanism would be even stronger in people “who need to understand, to analyze, and who refuse the idea of being left in the dark or unjust.”
And the numbers prove it!
- 64% of people who were ghosted say they felt this way.guilt after the disappearance of the other” ;
- 72% of victims of infidelity “feel partially responsible for what happened” ;
- 1 in 2 people in a situation of emotional manipulation”minimizes the seriousness of the acts suffered.”
When guilt becomes a tool of domination
While temporary guilt has no consequences, it becomes problematic in any form of toxic relationship. The offending partner then manipulates the interpretation of the facts, minimizing their actions and reversing responsibilities. He accuses the other of “having pushed” him to act in this way.
A phenomenon known as “gaslighting”:it consists of making the other person doubt their own perception and making them responsible for the facts they experience“, reveals the press release.
“The unfaithful or lying partner can, consciously or not, place the blame. And in a fragile person, who already doubts themselves, this sets off a cycle of permanent questioning. She will ruminate, criticize herself, and end up apologizing for having been betrayed.“, warns Christian Richomme.
Where does this tendency to self-blame come from?
Still according to the psychoanalyst, certain individuals are more likely to feel this reverse guilt:
- People who experienced abandonment or rejection in childhood: “they develop the belief that one must be perfect to be loved, and that any breakup means personal failure”;
- The hyper-responsible people: “often caring people, but who tend to take charge of the emotions and actions of others”;
- Individuals with low self-esteem, “who think they will never be “good enough”, and for whom the fault necessarily comes from them”.
How to get out of this guilt?
Fortunately, several methods can help alleviate this feeling of helplessness and this unjustified guilt.
- Getting back to objective facts: “what really happened? Did I choose to be ghosted? Deceived? No.”
- Detect automatic thoughts: “I wasn’t interesting enough”, “I couldn’t keep him/her”, and replace them with realistic statements: “The choice is up to him/her.”
- Reconnecting with legitimate anger:
“it helps to set limits and restore self-esteem”; - To be accompanied: “in therapy, we can learn to give responsibility for our actions to others and to free ourselves from self-imposed suffering.”
“Guilt is only healthy when it allows us to right a real mistake. Otherwise, it becomes a poison that makes us apologize for being hurt. And that is a double punishment“, concludes Christian Richomme.