The meeting is still fresh, the alchemy is palpable… and the question often arises quickly if only in the imagination: should we wait before having sex? And how long? The debate is old: too early, we fear being seen as light or getting attached too quickly; too late, we fear falling into the friend zone or losing the interest of the other. So when is the right time to get naked?
The 3-date rule: a stubborn myth… but outdated
These “rules” have always circulated, sometimes with dubious humor, sometimes with real social weight. And among them, one of the most famous: the three-date rule.
Popularized by Sex and the Citythe “three date rule” suggests that you should actually wait until the third date before any intimacy. In popular culture, it functions as a reassuring compass. On the networks, some men even say that they abandon a relationship if nothing has happened after three dates.
Problem: this rule has no psychological, sexual or relational basis. It is too rigid, too generalizing and, as sexologist Gianpaolo Furgiuele reminds us, deeply anachronistic.
“The idea of the “third date” belongs to an ancient morality which mainly served to control sexuality, and often that of women. Today, these norms have no clinical or social relevance.”
In other words: it’s not a rule, it’s a relic.
Why wait? The fears behind “too soon”
Taking action quickly can be tempting: the attraction is strong, the desire is there… But certain legitimate concerns hide behind a timing considered too early. They induce caution.
- The fear of getting emotionally carried away by someone you don’t really know yet;
- The risk of missing warning signs (manipulation, immaturity, non-compliance with consent);
- The absence of time to talk about prevention: STIs, screening tests, protection;
- Fear of being judged or damaging your reputation.
And above all, after carnal love… the emotional stakes change.
And why waiting too long can also complicate things
Conversely, delaying intimacy too much can cause other fears to emerge in new partners:
- Slide in spite of oneself towards a friendly dynamic, where desire has difficulty finding its place;
- Losing the thread of seduction, because the other thinks that the attraction is not reciprocal;
- Discovering a sexual incompatibility too late, when the relationship has already taken on a form of emotional commitment.
Sex isn’t the whole relationship…but it says something. In short, the equation is not simple.
For our sexologist, good timing is not a number
For Gianpaolo Furgiuele, the whole challenge is precisely to move away from a logic of dates and external rules. It is not the number of meetings that counts, nor the number of days or weeks, but the psychological moment in which the two people find themselves.
“The right moment is the one when we can say: I feel free, desiring, and in agreement with myself.”
And this moment comes down to four essential criteria:
- Trust. Not necessarily absolute confidence – impossible so early – but the feeling of a healthy climate, without ambiguity or pressure;
- Respect and reciprocity. Feeling that the other does not push, does not test, does not expect anything as a given.
“Sexuality should never become a currency of exchange” ; - Alignment with your desire. Act because you want to, not to meet a standard, maintain the interest of others or avoid “losing” someone;
- The absence of fear as a driving force. Do not sleep out of anxiety, obligation, or anticipation of judgment. Do not abstain for fear of being perceived as too sexual or not sexual enough.
It is when these criteria are met, whatever the moment, that it becomes obvious.
So, when is the right time?
The sexologist’s answer is clear: the right time is when both feel ready, free and desiring, without external rules. Not three dates. Not three weeks. Not three months. Just an inner agreement. And above all, mutual agreement. The rest is just standard dust.
“The real scandal today is not sleeping on the first date, it’s believing that we still have to justify our desire in 2025.”
And to continue: “If someone judges you for having sex too soon, remember that the problem isn’t your timing, it’s their last-century mentality.”
Difficult to be clearer.