Arguments leave you with a bitter taste, but you tell yourself that it’s “part of the game”? Do you feel distant without really knowing why? What if what you’re experiencing isn’t just a bad patch, but signs of a deeper imbalance? To remove doubt, a team of psychologists from Stockholm University has developed a tool that is as simple as it is enlightening. Its name: the Valentine Scale. Published in the journal
Cognitive Behavior Therapythis relational scale is based on seven precise questions, designed to measure the emotional and affective state of a couple. The objective is not to make a brutal decision on the health of your relationship, but to provide concrete benchmarks to better understand what you experience on a daily basis.
A short but revealing test on the emotional balance of the couple
Unlike the usual questionnaires, which are long and often vague, this one goes straight to the point. By questioning communication, conflict management, trust, or even the frequency of negative thoughts towards others, the Valentine Scale offers a raw vision of your romantic bond. Each response gives a score, and at the end: one number out of 21. The reading threshold is clear: a score greater than 14 means that the relationship is generally functional. Below, it can be useful to explore certain dynamics: feeling of insecurity, avoidance of conflicts, recurring ideas of breakup, etc.
But be careful, this figure is not a sentence. Professor Per Carlbring, at the origin of the study, insists: “This test is a starting point. It invites dialogue and awareness, not guilt“.
How to interpret the results without panicking or trivializing
What makes this scale strong is its ability to make the invisible visible. Because the signs of a toxic relationship are not always spectacular: they appear, slowly, in the form of silence, annoyance, withdrawal. And often, you get used to it.
The questionnaire therefore allows us to put words to a diffuse uneasiness. It also asks the right questions, the ones we often avoid asking ourselves: Do I feel free to express my needs? Does my partner really listen to me? Do I feel peaceful when I am with him or her? It is this highlighting, sometimes brutal, which can allow us to take back the reins: either by initiating a two-person discussion, or by consulting a professional to resolve what can be resolved.
A valuable compass for couples… and therapists
Beyond individual introspection, the Valentine Scale can also serve as a common thread in couples therapy. Carried out regularly, the test makes it possible to measure developments in the relationship, both positive and negative.
Its short format (only 7 questions) facilitates its integration into therapeutic monitoring without making the sessions heavier. It then becomes a tool for measuring progress, but also for verbalization: a low score can trigger a necessary discussion, when the words no longer come out.
Weak signals that the test allows us to identify, without dramatizing, but without minimizing either, such as:
- Absent or aggressive communication;
- Arguments that keep coming back;
- A feeling of loneliness in the relationship;
- Fear of speaking out or displeasing;
- A loss of desire or desire to spend time together.
“The most important thing is what we do with the results.“, concludes Professor Carlbring. If it alerts, it must above all encourage action with lucidity: adjust, repair, or sometimes, make a difficult but necessary decision.