For several years, your partner has organized everything: your life, your evenings, your circle of friends and even your future plans. Result ? You have the unpleasant feeling of being a simple puppet. He directs you… and you act. And if this balance seems perfect to everyone (you have the life that everyone dreams of), a dull anger rises. What if his influence went too far? What is the right limit to keep? A psychologist enlightens us.
A reassuring influence… at the start
At first, this dynamic may seem smooth and comfortable. Less mental load, fewer decisions to make: some find a certain relief on a daily basis. But behind this apparent ease, there is already a subtle balance between support and empowerment.
“It’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it’s easier. This may seem reassuring. Someone who organizes, who anticipates, who “manages”… Vacations, schedules, decisions, unforeseen events… We let ourselves be carried away. We tell ourselves that it’s comfortable. And it’s true, it can be“, admits Amélie Boukhoubza, clinical psychologist.
Because after all, in a relationship, there are always adjustments. Moments when one takes up more space than the other. Periods where we lean more without it being a problem.
“The influence of others is therefore not a problem in itself. It can even be valuable. As long as it opens. Which she supports. And that it helps to think differently, to move a little… without crushing“, recalls the practitioner.
A presence that can quickly become invasive
Not surprisingly, this “shift” does not always happen suddenly. It sets in gradually, almost imperceptibly, until it changes the way you think and act. And often, it is only after the fact that the discomfort becomes evident.
“CIt can become more difficult, annoying, or even controlling. But we don’t necessarily realize it right away. We move from “he organizes” to “he decides”. In our place. Supposedly for us… But especially without us. And there, inevitably, the world shrinks…“, warns the expert.
During this time, we doubt more (what if he was right about this restaurant? This vacation destination? The youngest child’s school?). We are asking for his opinion here before even having thought of ours. We anticipate his reactions. We adjust our choices… to avoid conflict, or simply to stay “within the framework”.
“We become more dependent, even in the details. In the way of dressing. To see his friends. To spend. Even to think. Until the question is no longer, “What do I want?” but: “What will he think of it?“”, admits the psychologist.
Finally, when does its presence limit ours?
In reality, it is when personal space is reduced that we should be upset. Because the consequences can be disastrous, particularly on self-esteem. What initially looked like help can turn into real influence here. “There, at this stage, we can say that influence becomes problematic. Because it reduces and standardizes. Because it causes us to lose this interior space where we can still hear each other. And, with it, a part of autonomy“, warns Amélie Boukhoubza.
Indeed, finding this inner self is essential to preserve one’s identity within the couple. It is also what allows the relationship to remain alive and balanced. “A couple is not supposed to be a fusion. Nor a delegation of self. It is a meeting between two subjectivities. And, for this to hold, each must continue to exist“, assures the expert.
Before sounding the alarm, it is therefore important to ask yourself a simple question: am I losing my way? Because not all influence is negative… as long as it does not become a constraint.
Is he gaining the upper hand? Here’s how long this attitude is acceptable
Certain signals allow you to know whether the balance is still healthy or not. They often care about the freedom that we maintain in our choices and our thoughts.
“As long as we can say no, as long as we can think differently… and say it. As long as you don’t feel like you have to constantly adapt. As long as influence does not become a norm to which one must conform, then balance is still present“, admits Amélie Boukhoubza.
Conversely, certain behaviors should raise alarm. They reflect a progressive loss of self in the relationship. “When we start to shut up, to smooth over everything until sometimes we get a little lost… There, be careful, danger“, concludes the specialist.
In a relationship, as you will have understood, influence is inevitable… and often beneficial. But it must remain a support, never a takeover.
And you, are you still free to be yourself?