When we talk about the causes of a breakup, we readily imagine a significant event (infidelity, lies, betrayal, etc.). “But in consultation, this is not always what we observe. In general, it is more insidious: difficulties arise discreetly, through repeated attitudes which seem harmless at the time but which, over time, end up eroding the relationship.
warns Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.
So, what are these behaviors that should alert you? Here are 5 to take into account… very seriously.
Contempt: when respect begins to disappear
Almost all couples argue and it’s quite healthy! Everyone has the right to have an opinion. On the other hand, addressing others in a disrespectful or demeaning manner should not be permitted.
“Contempt, for example. Small remarks that belittle. Permanent irony. Mockery disguised as humor. A look that says: “You are ridiculous.” We can survive a disagreement. But the feeling of being constantly devalued is more difficult to bear”, semphasizes the psychologist.
Indeed, when a person regularly feels humiliated or devalued, the emotional bond ends up being damaged.
Indifference: a signal often more worrying than arguments
In some cases, partners no longer argue because they have stopped trying to understand each other. Everyone lives on their own. Interest in others gradually fades. And this attitude should not be taken lightly…
“It is of course a question here of indifference. When the other no longer asks questions. No longer interested in what we are experiencing. Don’t share much anymore. Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessarily arguments that portend danger. Because when we stop hoping to be heard or stop believing that we can restore balance, we sometimes end up not arguing at all.“, confides Amélie Boukhobza.
When each other’s emotions are constantly minimized
There is also the fact of systematically invalidating what the other person feels. “You’re exaggerating.” “You take it all wrong.” “You make films.“Used occasionally, these phrases may seem harmless. But repeated regularly, they become much more problematic.
“These are sentences that minimize, contradict and discredit. Over time, the person ends up doubting themselves, their emotions and their own perception of reality.”
explains the expert.
Ultimately, this “invalidation” can even push one of the partners to no longer express what they feel. For fear of being criticized, he/she will prefer to remain silent.
The refusal to question oneself
If no one is blameless in a relationship, some people have a hard time recognizing their mistakes or their share of responsibility in conflicts.
“However, in a couple, no one is always right. But when one of the two is incapable of recognizing their share of responsibility, dialogue becomes impossible,” underlines the practitioner.
Indeed, without questioning, it becomes difficult to develop the relationship or find lasting solutions.
These little breaks in trust that we talk about less
We often think of trust in terms of great betrayals. However, it can also be weakened by an accumulation of small everyday failings…
“It’s all his promises that were never kept. Those forgotten commitments. Those lies presented as unimportant. Taken in isolation, each of these behaviors may seem innocuous. But through repetition, they create a climate in which we no longer feel safe in the relationship. And that’s when things start to crack…”, concludes the psychologist.
Over time, these behaviors end up eroding what constitutes the very foundation of the couple: respect, trust and the feeling of being important to the other.