Passionate messages then radio silence, weekend plans canceled without explanation, the feeling of walking on eggshells: some love stories resemble an emotional yo-yo. This back and forth often hurts the partner, who wonders if they are exaggerating, if they are “too much” or if the other is playing with their feelings.
For psychologist and sex therapist Pascal Anger, interviewed by TF1 Info, this scenario often describes an avoidant partner. According to him, “It’s like being with a cat, it’s the other one who comes towards you and not you who go towards them”. Attachment theory speaks of an avoidant style, a common mode of emotional protection rather than a psychiatric disorder, which changes the way we approach the relationship.
Recognizing an avoidant partner without getting lost
“There will be a great mystery around this person in the sense that we cannot always understand them and we have difficulty following them because there is a paradox in these people. They want to be loved, but proximity scares them.” describes Pascal Anger. Concretely, the avoidant alternates phases of intense rapprochement and sudden needs for space, without always succeeding in explaining it.
This flight does not mean absence of love, but fear of being emotionally invaded. The avoidant partner values his or her autonomy very much, has difficulty coping with requests for fusion, and may appear cold or rigid. For the other, the key is to identify this pattern rather than judging yourself too demanding or, on the contrary, accepting everything while forgetting yourself.
The wounds behind avoidant attachment in couples
According to Pascal Anger, “The person who has a flighty temperament has often had a somewhat complicated or difficult childhood in the sense that the parents have often been unavailable because they were working, because they did not want the child or because they did not know how to express emotions.” The child then learns not to disturb, to silence his needs, and to rely first on himself so as not to suffer.
Painful breakups or toxic relationships in adulthood can reinforce this protective reflex. Independence becomes a shield: the less the avoidant depends on the other, the less likely he is, he thinks, to relive humiliation, rejection or abandonment. This past does not excuse everything, but having it in mind helps to personalize your withdrawals less.
Live better in a relationship with an avoidant partner
For the relationship to hold, Pascal Anger warns: “We will often have to reorganize the relationship, as in any relationship, nothing is ever acquired, and even less so. It is not an easy bond, but it is more solid and strong.”
This involves regular adjustments to the time spent together, messages, projects, without seeking permanent fusion.
“Above all, the partner must accept the existence of a great emotional distance and a need for freedom,”
adds the psychologist. This does not mean tolerating everything: attachment specialists point out that everyone must preserve their self-esteem and security, even if it means leaving the relationship.
“from the moment we don’t find our way and we don’t feel safe.”