Seeing someone close to you isolate themselves, change their behavior and gradually fade away for the benefit of another is a particularly painful and destabilizing situation. We often helplessly witness a total loss of psychological autonomy on the part of the victim, without knowing how to intervene effectively.
Faced with this complex phenomenon, the reactions of those around them, although dictated by affection and concern, sometimes prove counterproductive and risk permanently breaking off contact. To provide real support, it is essential to understand the mechanisms of the hold and to adopt an appropriate posture.
What is psychological control?
Control is a progressive process of psychological domination. It generally does not set in all at once, but in small stages, until it changes the way a person thinks, feels and makes decisions.
The perpetrator of the control often alternates between moments of valuation and periods of devaluation, creating emotional instability which gradually weakens the victim’s self-confidence. Little by little, they doubt their perceptions, feel guilty, isolate themselves and become more and more dependent on the person who exercises this control.
“The influence can exist in a couple, but also within a family, a friendly or professional relationship or in certain groups with sectarian functioning. Contrary to popular belief, it does not only affect people considered fragile. Any individual can be affected at a vulnerable moment in their life”first emphasizes psychologist Siyana Mincheva.
Why is it so hard to leave?
This question is often asked by those around him: “Why does she stay?”, “Why doesn’t he see what’s happening?” In reality, the person under the influence does not always clearly perceive the violence of the relationship. His judgment was gradually impaired by various destructive psychological mechanisms:
- Fear of the consequences of a separation;
- The guilt maintained by the author of the control;
- The persistent hope that the other will change;
- Loss of confidence in one’s own abilities;
- Isolation, which reduces points of comparison with other relationships.
Siyana Mincheva reminds about this “that it is essential to understand that it is not a question of a lack of will, but of a complex psychological phenomenon“.
How to act and help without breaking the link?
To effectively support a victim, several relational pillars must be put in place. The most valuable thing is often to simply let the person know that you remain available, using reassuring and direct phrases.
“I’m here if you need to talk”, “You can always count on me” or “I’m not here to judge you”. This outstretched hand lets the person know that a door will remain open when they feel ready.
It is also important to listen more than to try to convince. Rather than stating directly: “You are under influence”, it is often more helpful to ask open questions to stimulate personal reflection: “How do you feel in this relationship?”, “Can you be yourself with this person?” or “When was the last time you felt fully happy?”
In addition, it is essential to respect the victim’s rhythm, which is rarely linear. Siyana Mincheva insists on this temporality.
“Leaving a controlled relationship is rarely a sudden event. It is often a process made up of advances, doubts, flashbacks and new awarenesses. Those around you may feel impatient, but wanting to speed up the process risks further weakening the person. Respecting your pace does not mean approving the situation. It means recognizing that only you can regain lasting power over your choices.”
Finally, we must continue to actively nurture external links. Inviting the person to share a meal, a walk or an activity, without systematically talking about their relationship, allows you to maintain essential external benchmarks.
These shared moments become real breaths of oxygen that remind her that she exists outside of this influence.
What is best to avoid with a victim
People under control end up doubting their skills and deep value. Those around them can help them by re-emphasizing their resources: their qualities, their past successes, as well as their ability to make decisions in other areas of their life. The main idea is not to decide for them, but to gradually reconnect them to their own abilities.
Conversely, certain impulsive reactions from those around them, although motivated by deep concern, turn out to be completely counterproductive:
- Criticize or insult the author of the hold in front of the person;
- Issue radical ultimatums (“It’s him or us”);
- Blame the victim (“You never listen to us”);
- Minimize the situation (“You just have to leave”);
- Make all the decisions for him, which tends to infantilize him.
These awkward attitudes can unfortunately reinforce the victim’s feeling of incomprehension and accentuate their protective isolation.
In short, supporting a loved one who is a victim of control requires infinite patience and great emotional finesse. By avoiding judgment, respecting her pace and constantly promoting her intellectual autonomy, those around her manage to maintain the invisible, but essential, thread that connects her to the outside world.
It is by knowing that she has a benevolent and unconditional refuge that she will find, when the time comes, the essential strength to free herself and regain control of her existence.