Has your partner gotten into the habit of introducing you as “his other half”? The term moving can seem romantic and perfectly innocuous. But behind this expression can sometimes hide a more complex reality: an emotional dependence which leads some men to make their partner their main, or even their only, psychological support.
Becoming the pillar of a man in spite of oneself: a fairly feminine problem
According to the 2021 American Perspectives Survey, only 20% of men say they turn to a friend when they encounter a personal problem.
In some couples, the partner then becomes the person towards whom everything ends up converging: worries, professional difficulties, doubts or even family conflicts.
In an analysis published in Psychology Todaya psychologist describes this phenomenon under the term “mankeeping”. It refers to the emotional labor sometimes undertaken by women to meet the psychological needs of their male partners.
The specialist also compares this mechanism to the notion of “emotional gold digger”, which describes a partner repeatedly drawing on the emotional resources of the other.
Listen to his problems, calm his anxieties, reassure him or even support his self-esteem: the partner gradually becomes the person who takes charge of a large part of his emotional life.
Phrases like “I don’t know what I would do without you” or “You are my better half” can then take on another dimension. Because when this support is not reciprocal, the imbalance can end up weighing on the relationship and on both partners.
When the partner becomes the couple’s therapist
Mankeeping can appear in particular when a man feels that he has no other person to turn to to talk about his difficulties.
His problems may seem too trivial to justify a consultation. Therapy may also seem expensive, intimidating or difficult to consider. For some men, asking for help can also still be associated with a form of weakness.
The result is sometimes always the same: professional frustrations, conflicts, worries and doubts are gradually placed on the shoulders of the same person, the one with whom he shares his life.
The partner confronted with mankeeping then combines several roles: best friend, organizer of social and family life, confidante and almost therapist.
This accumulation of emotional responsibilities can encourage what could be described as relational burnout. The woman is no longer content with living the relationship: she must also manage her partner’s emotions, organize family and social events, while questioning her own way of acting.
When the couple goes through a difficult period, each person can find themselves weakened. She is exhausted by this emotional burden, while he may find himself particularly helpless since his support network relied largely on her.
Why can male friendships diminish with age?
This difficulty in maintaining several emotionally intimate relationships could also take root during adolescence.
In his work Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Confidencepsychologist Niobe Way followed boys from childhood to adolescence. In particular, she observed that young boys could maintain particularly close friendships, in which they shared their emotions and personal problems.
But, with age, norms linked to masculinity can modify these relationships. Needing others may gradually be seen as a sign of weakness, while very affectionate bonds between boys may become less acceptable.
Niobe Way thus speaks of a real “crisis of confidence”.
When these friendships become less intimate, the ability to talk freely about one’s difficulties may also be reduced. Some men can then end up focusing most of their emotional life on their partner.
Psychology Today underlines in particular that a man who depends heavily on his partner to analyze his problems may be less inclined to confront his ideas and his feelings with those of other close people.
Conversely, women would be more likely to discuss their experiences with their friends and to confront their perceptions.
Such dependence can make a man particularly vulnerable in the event of separation. It can also limit the diversity of points of view to which he has access when he has to make decisions concerning his relationship or his family.
When “my other half” also becomes the guardian of family ties
The expression “my half” today associated with the spouse, has an older history. It finds its origin in Latin poetry, where it could designate a very close friend or a person considered a soul mate, before gradually applying to the romantic partner.
But when the partner truly becomes a man’s “better half” on an emotional level, she can also end up occupying a central place in his entire relational network.
The psychologist raises this question in her work
Grandparentingdevoted in particular to the role of women in maintaining family ties. She uses the term “kinkeeper” to designate the people who maintain and organize relationships within the family. Because in this case, yes the spouse also becomes the one who maintains the family, and good relationships… A place that is a little heavier still.
The balance is found in the number of supports
Ultimately, the problem is not necessarily saying “my other half”. Rather, this is what this expression can sometimes reveal: when a single partner becomes the sole confidant, psychological support, friend and intermediary with the rest of the family, the balance of the couple can gradually become fragile.
The challenge would then be, for everyone, to maintain several sources of emotional support: friends, relatives, personal activities or, when necessary, a professional. Being very close to your other half does not prevent you from needing an entourage around you.