You sometimes have the impression that your life is being decided without you: busy schedule, family obligations, opinions of loved ones… Little by little, you reflexively say yes, you give up certain desires, and you end up feeling like a passenger rather than the driver of your existence.
In psychology, this feeling appears when a key need is no longer nourished: personal autonomy, that is to say the ability to feel like the author of one’s choices. The good news is that many obstacles are actually invisible rules that you impose on yourself. Knowing them opens the door to regaining control of your life.
Taking back control of your life: understanding autonomy
Work on self-determination theory describes three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and connection to others. When autonomy decreases, the “locus of control” becomes more external: you have the impression that everything depends on luck, the boss, the family. Finding independence means gradually moving this cursor inwards.
The problem is that beyond the very real constraints, we lock ourselves into mental rules: “I cannot rest until everything is perfect”, “I must always be available”. Added to this are the labels received as children, the fear of judgment, or even the idea that abandoning an activity would be a failure, even if it no longer suits us.
11 concrete ways to assert your independence every day
Asserting your autonomy starts with very small gestures. You can do something just because you want to, without looking for a “useful” excuse. You have the right to attempt an action with a low chance of success if it costs little time. You can also question the labels on your body, your age or your character, refuse the ready-made boxes and break the rules “I can’t X until I have Y”.
Changing a routine that has become stifling, even if it “works,” also nourishes the feeling of acting by choice. Create something, test a new activity without endless investigation, let go of a book or a project that no longer brings you anything, dare to make a choice that others disapprove of without being able to prevent it, ask open questions out of curiosity: these eleven micro-acts broaden your real field of action.
Anchor these new freedoms without upsetting everything
Over time, these repeated experiences strengthen your sense of personal effectiveness: each time you make a decision aligned with yourself, your brain registers that you can count on yourself. You can choose just one of these actions and test it today, observing how you feel before, during and after.
Some people find it helpful to keep a short journal, writing down a time each evening that they have chosen for themselves rather than out of obligation. Mindfulness also helps identify when an old internal rule tries to take over. If anxiety or past events make these steps difficult, a professional can support you to secure this movement towards more autonomy.