“It is by forging that you become a blacksmith,” it is said. An adage that Steven ING, a couple therapist and sexologist took to the letter, in the world of the meeting. Indeed, according to him, one should not engage in a serious relationship before meeting at least 30 people. The ratio is not given to chance: it is “is the number of meetings necessary to” know each other perfectly and know what we are looking for in a couple.
Multiply the “dates”, a technique aimed at comparing the offer
Steven Ing specifies in Psychology Today. The idea is not to have 30 different relationships, but to “meet” as much as possible of our fellow men, in order to refine your own needs. As such, the expert invites you to multiply the opportunities to have a drink or make an outing (older, but while respecting consent and without insisting) and trying to know more about the people who accept.
There he then invited to proceed to what he calls an “intentional interview”. That is to say, to use the discussion to ask questions about your values, what you are looking for in a relationship, (if equality men woman is important in the couple for example, the way of having fun, your relationship to work …) so many questions to approach in a light way when nothing engages you, for the moment. “It is also important to remember that the meetings must be fun. If it is not fun, it is not a meeting”, he says. The whole thing is therefore not to come with your list of questions but to create just as many light moment in which to be completely sincere.
A fun way to learn more about yourself
In a way, Steven ING therefore calls to desecrate the appointment and make it a fun event, without expecting a suite too much. “Whether the appointment takes place as you wish or not, you have learned something on the other person. What you learned helps you decide whether a second appointment is justified or not. If it is not, let the person know that it is finished saying something like:” I do not think to be the right person for you “. You can then check an appointment on the list. More than 29!” And at the end of the list, a solid relationship looks like.
Knowing yourself do not make 30 appointments
In a way, this sexologist reminds us of something that we do not always allow ourselves: to have fun, to say yes to meetings, without necessarily waiting for a result-which, in itself, can already teach us a lot about ourselves.
“It is true that we also discover ourselves through meetings. Malaysus, silences, automatisms that we repeat. What we project. What we hope. And above all … what we tolerate “, designs Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist contacted. But according to her, trying to check 30 meetings is not a constructive objective … nor very pleasant.
“It means 30 times to adapt. 30 times wondering what to wear, what to tell. 30 times risk being disappointed. Or to disappoint. And frankly, we still have the ability to know each other without going through.”
“Life is not an Excel table to fill”
Finally, the psychologist criticizes this technique a much more practical and organized side than the meeting itself.
“Life is not an Excel table to fill. And it is not because a person checks all the boxes that it will work. Then if we want to play at zero risk … Why not 60 meetings? Or sleep from the first evening to validate sexual compatibility while we are there.”
According to her, it is more a kind of fashionable tactic, created to make the buzz, but which does not reflect anything of reality.“Life, by definition, is a risk-taking. And love can arise where we don’t expect it. Even at the corner of a street. So if we spend our time chaining the other 29 before, it may be there that we miss it.”
And then, to meet 30 people just to refine your own research … is to forget that others are not tools at our service. “This kind of objective method, uses, sorts. And above all says one thing: that we do not know where we are going, finally.”