“Are you going to blame me again?”, “Are you really resentful” … These sentences, you may have heard them – or even pronounced – thinking of calming things. However, they can do more harm than good, especially when they impose a premature forgiveness on the other.
These sentences that divert the fault and feel guilty
According to Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, these formulas are often used to avoid the real subject: injury, responsibility, reparation. “”Forgiveness is neither forgetting nor forced reconciliation“She recalls. It is a personal, non-negotiable path, which can in no case be required.
Certain expressions, understood in moments of tension, are actually emotional manipulation tools. Their objective: shortening the process of forgiveness, without the fundamental problem having been recognized or repaired.
“Are you going to punish me indefinitely?”
Behind this falsely innocent question, a reversal of roles: the faulty person positions himself as a victim. “”The pressure turns against you, as if it was your reaction that was problematic, not the initial fault “.
“Are you going to bring it again on the carpet?”
Implied: we should forget. “”However, as long as it is painful, it comes back“Explains the psychologist. It is not obsession, but a signal that the injury is still there.
“I forgive you when you did that, so you have to forgive me”
Forgiveness becomes a currency of exchange, which completely distorts its meaning. “”We do not forgive to balance a painting. We forgive when we can, when it makes sense. Not under pressure“Recalls our expert.
“All you remember from me is my mistakes”
“”This is an attempt to make you feel guilty for your pain. As if you were to express gratitude, when you are still injured“Explains Amélie Boukhobza.
“You always make the victim”
“This sentence is a classic form of Gaslighting: your feeling is invalidated, minimized. Worse, you are accused of having suffered: too long, too long, or too visible” details Amélie Boukhobza.
“If you really love me, you would forgive me”
These words hide emotional, pure and hard blackmail. “”It is no longer the seriousness of the act that counts, but the proof of expected love. Result: you are summoned to choose between your limits and the fear of losing the other “.
“You are really resentful”
It is a practical label to evacuate the bottom of the problem. “”By categorizing yourself, the other avoids any questioning “ estimates the psychologist.
“I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”
“These words are a false forgiveness, without empathy or real commitment. The goal? Close the discussion as quickly, without exploring the causes, the consequences, nor propose a sincere repair”.
Real forgiveness never stands out
For Amélie Boukhobza, forgiving is not a duty. It is an inner act, sometimes slow, which makes it possible to deactivate the emotional impact of an injury, but does not mean excuse everything or forget everything.
“Asking for forgiveness is not just a simple ‘I am sorry. It requires courage, humility, and a real desire to repair. And above all, it is up to the other to decide if he accepts this forgiveness. S ‘He accepts it, so we no longer come back to it. But if he can’t – not yet, or not at all – it’s his right “, specifies the psychologist. Because forced or imposed forgiveness is not a real forgiveness. It is a pressure, disguised as a relational approach.
In summary, forgive, when possible, does good. But provided that it is sincere, free, and respectful of everyone’s rhythm. “”Otherwise, it doesn’t treat anything. This adds a layer of guilt on an already open injury“Concludes our expert.