Speech is rare, almost taboo in the media. And yet, in the HuffPost American, Virginia DeLuca, journalist and “senior” therapist, writes it in full in a poignant testimony. At 60, when she thought she was calmly writing the rest of her life with her husband, he announced his desire to have children. And his departure for a woman likely to satisfy this desire. An event which then brutally redefines his entire existence.
A new way of aging that must be organized
The fall is brutal for Virginia, who suddenly feels the weight of the years on her shoulders.
“Immediately, my hips widened, my breasts sagging, and my wrinkles deepened. All the internalized beliefs and visions of what it meant to be an old, unwanted, insignificant woman became me.”
But beyond the shock, it is above all a new way of aging that must be invented in order not to sink. “This new stage in my life required a change of mindset. Now that everything had changed and I found myself on a new path – whether I wanted it or not – I asked myself: what if I approached aging as an adventure, a journey to an unknown land?
A scenario far from isolated. In the United States, the divorce rate among people aged 50 and over has almost doubled since the 1990s. This group even has a name: “silver separators”.
A breakup that is not “like the others”
For Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, these late separations have a very particular psychological impact.
“When you are left at 60 for a younger woman, it is not a classic breakup. It is often experienced as a double betrayal.”
The first is marital: the man with whom we have built a life turns elsewhere. An already deep wound. But here, another dimension is added.
“There is the shared time. The years given. A whole shared history which, suddenly, seems devalued, almost obsolete. As if we were not simply left, but replaced.”
At this age, breaking up doesn’t just mean losing a partner. “We also lose a certain idea of the future: the old days together, late projects, the family as we thought it was stabilized. And often, we no longer expected it.”
But when the ex-partner starts a family again, the wound deepens again.
“What was “no longer possible” with you becomes possible again with another: children, a new youth, a second life. Psychically, it is extremely violent”
she confirms.
A profound identity shock
These late separations directly affect identity.”“It hits a place we thought we had acquired, the fear of becoming invisible, and this devastating question: “And what am I now?”
It is not just an emotional loss, but a real narcissistic shock.
“It’s a real questioning of femininity, of desire, of personal value. Not because it’s true, but because it’s experienced as such. And that’s often the most difficult thing to recover from.”
How to reclaim your life?
However (and fortunately!) it is possible to regain a foothold in life, little by little. And to write a new future just as full, whether we are alone or in pairs.
But according to the psychologist, reconstruction does not involve positive injunctions imposed too quickly.
“Telling these women to “rebuild themselves” or “finally enjoy life” can be extremely violent. What we need first is to be able to express the anger, the jealousy, the feeling of injustice. Without censoring ourselves, without moralizing.”
Accepting that the breakup is dirty, unfair, indigestible is part of the process. “Often this departure is neither clean, nor elegant, nor digested. And that’s normal.”
Then, gradually, other work can begin:
“That of dissociating one’s value from the choice of the other. Understanding that this departure speaks about him, about his relationship with time, with the fear of aging, with the headlong rush. Not about your insufficiency“.
Finally, it is about finding a new place: “No longer just that of a wife, but that of a woman, of a subject, of a desire. Otherwise.”
In this respect, Virginia is a good example. She says it in her testimony which will undoubtedly give hope. “A strange thing happened to me while I was grieving after my husband left. I discovered that I really liked living alone. There could be a happy ending, in harmony with myself, my desires and the people I care about.”