Whether we like it or not, in all families, roles are established over time. And, as psychologist Amélie Boukhobza points out, whatever the age, each family meal is a new opportunity to see them reappear. Christmas, with its share of expectations, traditions and imposed reunions, acts as a revealer.
At Christmas, family roles resurface
So, around the table, there is often someone who doesn’t fit the mold. He’s not necessarily the loudest or most marginalized person. Sometimes it’s even the most discreet. But it’s the one who “doesn’t seem in the mood”, who asks the disturbing question or who refuses to pretend. The one who is criticized for not playing the game of the ideal family.
In many families, this role exists without being clearly identified. We like to talk about the “rebel”, the “complicated”, or the one who is “always the same”. However, behind these labels often lies something else.
According to Amélie Boukhobza, the scapegoat is frequently the one who perceives the most: the tensions, the unsaid, the inconsistencies, the heavy silences. The one who can’t stand family hypocrisy, even when it’s covered in tinsel and good intentions.
Rather than hearing what he highlights, we ask him to be silent, to make an effort, not to create discomfort. Of “not ruining Christmas” after all.
These signs that make you the scapegoat for the holidays
How do you know if you are affected? According to psychology, you may well be your family’s scapegoat if:
- You are regularly criticized or blamed;
- Your emotions are minimized or mocked;
- You are criticized for being “too sensitive” or “too dramatic”;
- You are asked to “not make a fuss” or to keep the peace;
- You are singled out as soon as discomfort appears.
This can often make it seem like whatever you do, you’re wrong.
Why the family needs a scapegoat
This mechanism is not trivial. It fulfills an invisible but essential function in the family system. The scapegoat concentrates what no one wants to look at. Rather than questioning what is dysfunctional — old hurts, favoritism, unresolved conflicts, imbalances — the family shifts the problem onto a single person.
In short, accusing a single person allows the rest of the group to preserve an illusion of harmony.
It’s simpler. And above all more comfortable. Because questioning yourself, especially as a family, requires courage that not everyone is ready to mobilize. As the psychologist explains, the scapegoat protects the group. As long as “he’s the problem”, everything else can remain intact.
Why it’s even harder at Christmas
If these dynamics are particularly painful during the holidays, it is no coincidence. Christmas embodies the illusion of the ideal family: the expected harmony, the obligatory happiness, the staged conviviality.
In this setting, anyone who is not doing well, who questions or who refuses to pretend becomes a threat. Its mere presence reminds us that everything is not as perfect as we would like to believe. So we designate him, implicitly or openly, as the one who ruins the atmosphere.
When the role sticks to the skin
But even if it’s just for one meal, growing up with this status often leaves lasting marks. As adults, former scapegoats frequently doubt themselves, feel “too much”, struggle to trust their feelings and carry diffuse guilt. They learned, early on, that saying what they saw or felt had a price.
However, as Amélie Boukhobza reminds us, this role does not say something about individual fragility, but about collective dysfunction. In short, you’re not the problem. (And it feels good to repeat it).
Start freeing yourself from this role
To get out of this family trap, the first step is to recognize this role for what it is. Putting words allows us to shift the guilt where it belongs: not on a person, but on a family system that does not tolerate questioning.
Then comes the work of limits: agreeing to no longer carry what does not belong to you, to no longer be the guarantor of the emotional comfort of others, even if it means disappointing. This can involve distance, chosen silences or therapeutic support. In short, perspective.
Finally, it is about reconstructing one’s identity outside of the family story. Not as “the one who ruins Christmas”, but as someone who dared to see, to feel and not to betray himself.
So, if as the holidays approach, you feel guilty, too sensitive or responsible for the atmosphere, remember this: in some families, the most lucid person is often the one who is accused of disturbing everything. And sometimes, not playing the expected role is already starting to protect yourself.