For a long time, researchers have observed that people with a so-called “insecure” attachment, that is to say those who fear rejection or, on the contrary, avoid intimacy, are often less satisfied with their sex life than those who feel secure in their relationship. But until now, it was difficult to understand why.
A new study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships sheds light: sexual communication is the missing link between attachment and satisfaction.
Talk about your desires… or avoid them
Discussing sexuality requires being vulnerable: expressing your desires, your doubts, your frustrations. However, this can be difficult for some people.
Researchers distinguish two main ways of communicating in couples:
- Negative communication, marked by avoidance, blame or silence.
- Collaborative communication, where we share our feelings and look for solutions together.
They thus followed 440 adults in relationships, for a year via questionnaires, to study the link between their mode of attachment and sexual satisfaction. At the end of this period of time, their study demonstrated that:
- Difficulties in sexual communication often appear before the decline in satisfaction;
- Good communication improves sexual satisfaction over time;
- The problems come not just from sexuality itself, but from the way partners talk about it — or don’t talk about it.
When insecurity complicates exchanges
Above all, the study shows that people who tend to avoid emotional intimacy are more difficult to talk about sexuality. They are also more likely to shy away from discussions or shut down when a problem arises. This distance ends up having a lasting impact on their sexual satisfaction.
Conversely, people with high emotional anxiety—those who fear abandonment—often want a lot of closeness, but may have difficulty communicating calmly. Their anxiety can make them pushy, awkward, or overwhelmed by their emotions, which prevents constructive discussion.
In both cases, it is not the desire that is lacking, but the ability to talk about it calmly.
Why is knowing how to talk about sex important?
These results remind us of an essential thing: talking about sex does not damage the relationship, on the contrary. What Paolo Furgiuele, sexologist, reminds us.
“Communication acts as a climate. When it is avoidant or defensive, desire retracts. When it is open and collaborative, intimacy breathes.”
Thus, for people with avoidant attachment, talking about sexuality can be experienced as an intrusion. They protect their autonomy by dodging the subject, sometimes by criticizing.
Conversely, people with attachment anxiety are often afraid of being annoying or rejected. They dare to express their sexual needs less, which impoverishes the exchange and creates silent frustration.
In any case, it is beneficial to realize this and seek to evolve.
“Communication and sexuality work in a loop. The less we talk, the less we understand each other sexually. The less we feel understood sexually, the more we avoid talking. Conversely, collaborative communication, where we share our feelings without accusation and where we seek solutions together, strengthens emotional security. And this security fuels desire.”
And if only one sentence was needed to sum up all this, Paolo Furgiuele would state the obvious:“When we no longer talk to each other about sex, we end up no longer meeting each other.”