“My baby”, “my heart”, or “kitten” … here are cute qualifiers to speak to his half. One way in a word to express love, proximity, complicity. A language coded for two. And why not, as long as the two find their account, as the psychologist Amélie Boukhobza recalls: “As long as the two fully agree, why deprive themselves of it?”
But behind these tender nicknames, it happens that something a little less soft is nestled. Because yes, some small names may not be so harmless as they seem. And can hide less cute intentions by brushing you in the direction of the hair.
When affectionate language becomes a smoke screen
According to Psychology Todaynicknames like “baby” or “my love” are often used to create a feeling of warmth and intimacy. They even activate, biologically, the production of oxytocin – the hormone of the link. But this impression of proximity can be misleading if it is not based on a real emotional connection.
In the beginnings of a relationship or superficial links, this type of language can give the illusion of an intimacy that does not yet exist. We think we are getting closer … while we fly over. Basically, giving “my heart” too quickly would only be powder in the eyes. Vigilance!
When tenderness slides towards infantilization
For Amélie Boukhobza, the subtle (but real) rocking is placed elsewhere: in possible infantilization.
“When one becomes the” little “of the other, it can question. We sometimes slip, without realizing it, a link of equality to a soft grip.”
This shift manifests itself in sentences which, under softness, lower or minimize: “You are just tired, my chip”, “you think too much, my darling.” In this case, we don’t really answer you, we infantilize you. Worse we make you pass as an irrational (the). “”And little by little, you stop asking questions, asserting your emotions. It is no longer love: it is a way to keep the other under control. “
When affection becomes a avoidance strategy
Finally sometimes, these words as cute as they are, are launched to manipulate the other. And are only pronounced “after an argument or discomfort:” Baby, don’t get angry “,” You know I love you, my heart “. “These sentences, instead of repairing, avoid the real subject. We do not confront disagreements, we drown them in a bath of tenderness”. Amélie Boukhobza accurately underlines it:
“Say” my love “to silence the other, lower it, impose a power under the guise of tenderness … This is where it becomes toxic.”
Used in this way, affection becomes an emotional control tool. We calm the storm on the surface, but the bottom remains agitated. And we move away from real intimacy, that which involves listening, healthy confrontation and shared vulnerability.
A question to keep in mind
In itself, not all names are problematic. On the contrary. They can be tender, intimate, precious. And you can continue to give you “chick”, “mamour”, or “my croquette” as you hear. But as Amélie Boukhobza sums it up, identify all the same when it comes.
“Sometimes it’s worth wondering: is it really a brand of tenderness … or a way of keeping the other under control?”
The words of love have power. It is still necessary that they are sincere, shared, and at the service of an equal bond.