Last week, your friend finally presented you with her heart of her heart, this famous Martin of whom she told you so much. Except that if he was described to you as a funny boy and having a spirit, you faced a very different reality. Cold and boastful, he seemed above all concerned about his professional exploits. So, what to tell your friend who asks you for your opinion? Amélie Boukhobza,
A case of perception
It is essential to keep in mind that what you have felt personally may be different from what she lives with him. What he doesn’t show you (sweetness, humor, intelligence, respect …), he can show it to her.
“Nevertheless, the situation remains delicate. Because it is not actually only a matter of taste or feeling. Behind, there is friendship in play … and the couple of the other”, Recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
Thus, instead of giving a frontal judgment (“I found it unbearable or self-centered“), it is better to put a little nuances in your impressions. Prefer for example the formulation:”I did not find it very warm tonight/very attentive/or little turned towards the others “.
Avoid the conflict of loyalty
If we speak too quickly, we risk hurting the other and/or creating a distance, or even putting your friend in an untenable position: “Choosing between the one she loves and her friend is a conflict of insured loyalty”, warns the psychologist.
But if we are silent, “We also undergo uncomfortable dinners, heavy moments, sometimes even behaviors that we deeply disappear”, she said.
So what to do in this situation?
It all depends, then, on the nature of the behavior that bothers you. A macho side, an irony pushed to the extreme can thus use – but these are personality traits that can be perceived differently depending on the tolerance of each. Which, for you, seems heavy, moved or annoying can be interpreted by your friend as a form of charisma – or insurance.
“A slightly heavy character, a humor that does not make us laugh? In this case, as much to take on yourself. You do not live with him, after all”, confirms the practitioner.
On the other hand, if the discomfort comes from more worrying behavior – contempt, aggressiveness, humiliation, excessive jealousy, or even worse – the situation is quite different. “Friendship must also be able to be a space of vigilance … even if the decision always goes to the person concerned”, Recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
The art of talking about it without judging
The key lies in the way of approaching the subject: staying centered on your friend, rather than on your companion. “Talking about what we observe, that this perception makes us feel, without trying to impose a verdict. Offer words which open a space for reflection, and not a condemnation”, concludes the psychologist.