Is your relationship on the verge of breaking up? If we think that one day, a drop of water will finally break the camel’s back, that is not entirely correct.
“It doesn’t happen overnight, really.”
recalls psychologist Pascal Anger. “Breakups originate mainly from small things, those that no longer happen within the couple, for example.he observes.
Often, tensions crystallize around insignificant details, but these “trifles” in reality hide a widening gulf between the partners.
Contempt: the point of no return
This is undoubtedly the most serious signal. Contempt goes far beyond a simple argument; it is a profound discrediting of the other. “When you reach this stage of the relationship, nothing is possible.”warns the psychologist. This feeling often arises from initial mismanaged anger and a lack of communication that ends up transforming admiration into disdain.
Systematic criticism and their crystallization
At first, we speak poorly to each other, then we end up no longer understanding each other. Disagreements, often linked to external elements such as work or family, end up spilling over into the spouse himself. “Criticism goes hand in hand with the situation: criticism of others, their family, their friends. All this crystallizes and becomes unbearable“, explains Pascal Anger. We can no longer disentangle the conflict of the other’s personality.
Defensiveness or “praise of flight”
When conflict becomes permanent, one (or both) partners eventually become exhausted. Instead of confronting differences, we choose the strategy of avoidance. “We can no longer confront the other in their difference, we are tired of what they say, so we take refuge in flight. notes the expert. This results in increasingly late returns home or excessive investment in outside activities to escape face-to-face encounters.
Treatment through silence: invisible violence
The final stage before breaking up is often indifference. We are no longer on the same wavelength and we stop communicating. But be careful, silence is not a zone of peace. For Pascal Anger, “treatment through silence is toxic and violent, it is a form of invisible psychological violence that hurts others“It is a wall that prevents any reconstruction and walled the couple into an impasse.
How to get out of the impasse?
If you recognize your relationship in these descriptions, all is not necessarily lost, as long as you don’t let the situation get worse.
- Act quickly: “The situation must not get bogged down over time. The earlier it is taken, the more chance the couple has of getting through it.”insists the psychologist;
- Call on a third party: When we can no longer talk to each other without hurting each other, the intervention of a mediator or a couples therapist is essential;
- Find a neutral place: Consulting in a resource space also allows you to use a “neutral and caring third party”. He will be there to try to understand the situation and suggest ways to put the pieces back together, or at least to get out of the impasse in a constructive manner.
In short, a breakup is often the result of an accumulation of unsaid words and microaggressions. “Identifying contempt or silence as warning signs is the first step in trying to save what can still be saved” concludes the psychologist.