On a daily basis, certain small gestures and harmless behaviors can leave deep scars. These actions, which we call “micro-betrayals”, say a lot about the mechanics of the couple. Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, sheds light on this phenomenon.
Micro-betrayals, small everyday gestures that hurt
Far from being superfluous, micro-betrayals result in missed actions, lies or derogatory remarks that affect the couple’s trust and love for each other.
In front of family or friends, they manifest themselves through little things left unsaid (discovering that the other person had, for example, a much better evening than they had announced…) or gestures of disdain (“It’s your role to clean up”, “What did you say? I didn’t listen to you…”…) which are at the origin of these emotional fissures. But it is difficult to spot them.
“Because they don’t see each other”, confirms Amélie Boukhobza. “There is nothing spectacular. Just small gestures, silences, a word, a detail… But they hurt. For example, lying about a detail. Don’t say you’re in a relationship. Entrust a tension to someone else. Do not defend others in front of your friends. Talking behind his back. Let a humiliating remark slip. Laughing at a joke at one’s expense”, relates the expert.
All these small actions may seem trivial, but they leave a mark.
“And above all, they create doubt… and cracks, over time. This accumulation damages the couple and causes a loss of confidence. They give the impression that we are no longer on the same side”, warns the practitioner again.
Indeed, every little oversight, every clumsy gesture sounds like a cruel reminder: your partner may not be the man/woman of your life. Because your expectations, your needs and your way of communicating are not aligned.
So what should you do if you are affected?
The key lies in communication and attention to others. Recognizing the importance of small gestures, showing empathy, and expressing your feelings before frustrations accumulate are all key reflexes to put in place.
“It is absolutely necessary to talk about it“, confirms Amélie Boukhobza. “Not to bring a lawsuit, but to highlight what hurt. Before the situation degenerates… and to see if it can change,” she specifies.
Then we observe. “Is there respect, even when we’re not there? Do we feel protected, supported, taken into account? Are things changing?”
Because love should be a space where we feel safe. “If not, it’s best to turn the page.“, concludes the psychologist.