Being helpful is a quality. But when it becomes a permanent reflex, to the point of no longer listening to one’s own needs, it can end up being costly. THE
people pleasingliterally “to please others”, is today widely discussed on social networks, where the hashtag #peoplepleaser has more than a billion views on TikTok. If the term is recent, the psychological mechanism is well known.
The people pleaser, that person who forgets himself for others
For Johanna Rozenblum, clinical psychologist and member of our expert committee, the picture is quite clear.
“The people pleaser is someone who tends to constantly seek to satisfy and please others to the detriment of their own needs or personal limits.”
Concretely, this can translate into everyday behaviors: systematically agreeing to be of service, never refusing a request, taking on more work, or even avoiding expressing disagreement to preserve harmony.
At first glance, these attitudes may seem altruistic. However, they often respond to another logic: that of above all not displeasing.
Why is it so hard to say no?
Behind this need to satisfy everyone is often a deep fear.
“These people want to be accepted, to be loved, which pushes them to say yes to almost everyone, even to the detriment of their own needs. They have a hard time setting their limits or expressing their opinions, for fear of creating conflict or being rejected,” explains Johanna Rozenblum.
This constant search for validation ends up unbalancing relationships. By adapting, the people pleaser
gradually loses sight of what he really feels.
In a relationship, at work or with family, he can accept situations that no longer suit him, simply to avoid disappointing those around him.
Behavior that can become dangerous
In the long term, this way of operating is not without consequences.
By regularly ignoring his needs, the people pleaser exposes oneself to significant emotional fatigue, a loss of self-esteem, or even real burnout. Johanna Rozenblum also points out that this difficulty in setting limits can attract people who easily take advantage of this permanent availability.
In other words, wanting to preserve all relationships can sometimes lead… to unbalanced relationships.
Why goodwill is not enough
So why is it so difficult to change?
Many people know that they should learn to say no. However, when it comes time to take action, they fail.
For Mélanie Julian, psychologist and sophrologist specializing in the management of stress and anxiety, and who talks about it on her own account, it is not a question of will.
“People pleasing is often a protective strategy, implemented to have more control over the opinions and affections of others.”
According to her, this behavior frequently has its roots in childhood, when one felt more loved, valued or secure by meeting the expectations of others. Even as adults, part of us may continue to believe that our value depends on our ability to be useful, pleasant or impeccable.
How to regain your freedom?
For Johanna Rozenblum, the first step is to understand that setting a limit does not mean rejecting the other. Learning to say no is above all a way of respecting your own needs. It’s not about becoming selfish, but about finding a balance in which everyone has their place.
For her part, Mélanie Julian recommends proceeding gradually rather than wanting to change everything at once.
For example, she advises starting with small refusals, formulated with kindness, or expressing your desires more honestly without feeling guilty. These experiences allow the brain to see that it is possible to set limits… without losing the affection of others.
The psychologist also emphasizes the importance of strengthening one’s sense of internal security, in particular by cultivating relationships where one feels loved for who one is, and not for what one does.
Choosing yourself too is not being selfish
The real challenge is not to stop helping others, but to stop forgetting yourself.
As Johanna Rozenblum reminds us, giving pleasure only becomes problematic when it is systematically done to the detriment of one’s own needs.
Finding your freedom then requires a simple idea, but sometimes difficult to integrate: you can be a generous, attentive and appreciated person… while having the right to say no.