You are familiar with the incel community, but do you know that there is a female counterpart? Femcels, or involuntarily single women, define themselves as women who want romantic, sexual and emotional relationships, but feel incapable of accessing them. Unlike incels, whose discourse often turns to criticism of women or society, their frustrations tend to be internalized, directed against themselves. An essential nuance for understanding this rapidly emerging movement, which is the subject of several academic researches in sociology and psychology.
A community born in reaction to the incel universe
As psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, consulted on the subject, explains, the term “femcel” was constructed as a mirror of the word “incel”, initially thought of in the 1990s as an inclusive term to designate any involuntarily single person, regardless of their gender. With the radicalization of certain online male communities and the progressive exclusion of women from these spaces, some of them have created their own groups, particularly on the internet.
“But we are facing two very different communities”underlines the psychologist. Where incels sometimes develop hostile discourses towards women and society, femcels are characterized more by a feeling of personal inability to form relationships, despite a strong desire for intimacy and conjugality.
Digital spaces then function as support groups, where participants share their experiences, their loneliness and their feeling of exclusion from the “market” of romantic relationships.
Loneliness, invisibility and the feeling of not being “good enough”
All single women are therefore far from being femcels. Recent studies describe a complex subculture, marked by loneliness, highly internalized beauty standards and intensive use of online communities.
At the heart of their speech is often a deep conviction: that of being invisible in the eyes of society and potential partners.
According to Aline Nativel Id Hammou, this feeling is based on a very anchored belief system. “These women perceive themselves as not living up to societal standards of femininity. They judge themselves to be insufficiently beautiful, interesting or desirable, which generates significant and multifactorial psychological distress.”
Some adhere to a hierarchical vision of female attractiveness, influenced by “lookism”, the idea that society values women primarily based on their physical appearance. “In these representations, very attractive women would be socially favored, while femcels would be at the very bottom of this hierarchy, perceiving themselves as immediately excluded from romantic relationships.”
The central postulate: beauty as the key to love
Unlike other movements, the heart of the Femcel discourse is not based on a rejection of love, but on an opposite conviction: the idea that access to intimacy would be conditioned almost exclusively by physical appearance.
“They long for companionship, emotional intimacy and conjugality, but convince themselves that they will never be able to achieve it.explains the psychologist.
“Their self-judgment is often very severe, with significant devaluation and strong social inhibitions.”
Some studies also mention three main forms of frustration:
- Unsatisfied sexual desire;
- A lack of available partners;
- Intimate experiences deemed disappointing or unsatisfactory.
But, beyond sexuality, it is above all a general dissatisfaction with the quality and availability of emotional relationships which dominates.
A worldview marked by pessimism and self-deprecation
Where incels sometimes develop a hostile view of the outside world, femcels tend to turn their suffering against themselves.
“We observe a strong internalization of frustration, with constant self-depreciation”, notes Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
They may perceive themselves as socially maladjusted, unlovable or condemned to solitude, which reinforces avoidance behaviors and progressive isolation. The Internet then becomes a refuge, a space where their suffering finds echo and validation.
These groups offer understanding and support, but can also, according to the psychologist, “reinforce certain negative self-beliefs, sometimes locking participants into a rigid belief system“.
Femcels vs incels: major differences
While both terms share the idea of involuntary celibacy, their psychological and social functioning differs profoundly.
Incels are often associated with an externalization of anger and a hostile worldview, sometimes fueled by misogynistic discourse. Femcels, conversely, are characterized more by an internalization of suffering, a real desire for an emotional relationship, but an overall absence of violent or demanding discourse towards men.
Another important point: contrary to some preconceived ideas, femcels do not necessarily claim to be feminists.
“They do not reject conjugality, on the contrary, they want it intensely but feel excluded”specifies Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
What impact on mental health?
From a psychological point of view, the phenomenon raises important issues. The psychologist evokes profiles often marked by low self-esteem, “narcissistic flaws” and an experience of devaluation that can go back to childhood, family history or experiences of rejection.
“We can observe depressive and anxious symptoms, with sadness, despair, fear of rejection and loss of meaning”she explains. The feeling of deep loneliness and the belief that one is unlovable can also affect personal, social and emotional development.
Certain life factors, trauma, weight gain, aging, motherhood or difficult relationship experiences, can accentuate this negative perception of the body and personal value.
Between real suffering and need for support
For Aline Nativel Id Hammou, it is essential to approach this movement without judgment. “Above all, these are women experiencing great psychological suffering, who find an echo, understanding and a form of support in these communities.”
However, she insists on the importance of psychological and social support, in order to deconstruct certain rigid beliefs, in particular the idea that a woman’s value is based solely on her appearance.
“In reality, emotional relationships are not based exclusively on aesthetic criteria. Personality, social skills, life history and relational contexts play a major role”, she recalls.
Ultimately, the emergence of femcels highlights a broader malaise: that of the pressure of beauty standards, social isolation and the need for intimacy in a hyperconnected but sometimes deeply lonely society. A phenomenon that is still little studied, but reveals contemporary issues of mental health, self-esteem and relationships with the body and love.