Behind this complaint – “I preferred the you before” – are often hidden deep fears and an upset marital balance. Psychologist Pascal Anger deciphers this pivotal moment when the couple must choose: grow together or lose themselves in nostalgia.
When personal development disrupts the balance of the couple
It sometimes begins with a half-hearted sentence. “Before, you were more…” Softer. No longer available. More passionate. More conciliatory. As if the ideal relationship was located in an idealized past.
In many stories, one of the partners seems to prefer the “before” version. The one who said yes without hesitation. The one that adapted. The one who kept her needs quiet. Then, little by little, the other evolves. He or she regains confidence, asserts his or her desires, claims his or her space.
“What did he prefer, basically, in this version? And what bothers him today, now that you have regained your confidence?asks Pascal Anger, psychologist. An essential question, because it reverses the perspective: it is not only the person who has changed, it is also the dynamic of the couple.
“Because in reality a healthy couple is a couple that evolves and moves.”he insists.
This development can be destabilizing. The initial balance – sometimes comfortable, sometimes uneven – changes. What was simple becomes more demanding. Not because love dies, but because it is transformed. “Staying stuck in a past version of the other is neither realistic nor healthy. A living relationship involves movement.”assures the practitioner.
In other words, to love is not to freeze the other in a photograph of the first days. It means accepting that he or she becomes someone else, sometimes freer, sometimes more assertive. And learn to deal with this new reality.
Nostalgia for the beginnings: an emotional impasse
What happens when one of them stays attached to the passionate beginnings? When the sentence “I preferred our beginnings, because they were more passionate…” becomes a refrain?
Asking the other to go back to the way they were before is an illusion. A dead end. “This posture is sterile: it generates frustration and guilt. Moreover, anyone who would like nothing to change finds themselves stuck in an untenable position. Without evolution, it cannot be authentic, true and in movement.”recalls Pascal Anger.
Because behind this nostalgia is often a feeling of loss. Loss of intensity, loss of control, sometimes loss of a privileged place. He who regrets the past may ruminate on what he thinks he has “lost” – or what “he seems to have lost”. But is it really the other person who has changed, or the way we look at the relationship?
The psychologist asks a disturbing question: “if he/she doesn’t demand anything from him/her, in the name of what would he/she demand things from his/her partner?”
In this climate, the risk is twofold. On the one hand, the one who has evolved feels guilty for having changed. On the other hand, those who refuse movement lock themselves into an impossible wait. Very quickly, the dialogue becomes rarer. Misunderstandings accumulate. And, without realizing it, the couple slides towards a silent distance.
It is then essential to speak, without overreacting or fleeing. Because otherwise, implicitly warns the practitioner, “let the gap widen”. And once the distance is established, winning back becomes more difficult.
Wait, yes… but not indefinitely
A painful question remains: how long can we hope that the other will finally accept change?
In this type of situation, the wait is often heavy. We hope that the other will emerge from their paralysis, that they will stop clinging to a fixed ideal of love. But suspending his own evolution to preserve the image he loves is a high price.
“You have to tell him: “I’m waiting for you, but I’m not going to wait for you forever.”. A simple, but structuring sentence. It sets a limit. She affirms a need without threatening. She reminds us that love cannot be synonymous with self-effacement.
When to consult a psychologist becomes necessary
Sometimes the situation goes beyond simple dialogue. Frustration and guilt build up. Professional intervention can then provide a safe space to explore emotions.
“I recommend bringing in a third party, like a psychologist, to talk about it. This allows you to take stock of all these intertwined emotions. Is it a simple difficulty accepting change? Or is this blockage accompanied by a feeling of abandonment? This situation can in fact reactivate old wounds.”analyzes Pascal Anger.
When one person gains confidence or asserts their needs more, the other may feel destabilized, fear losing their place, or even abandonment. Consultation allows you to transform tension into understanding, to escape from the fixed circle, and to find a dynamic where everyone can evolve without guilt.