Last weekend, your friend announced a big news to you: Marine and he will commit and he would like you to be the witness of their union. A surprise which, unfortunately, did not really happy you. This girl, you have hardly appreciated her for years. How then to decline this role of accompanying person without upsetting? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, drives us.
Do not commit, a proof of respect
Because we are not the best placed person to support this commitment – or that we cannot simply get involved in an authentic way – it happens that we want to withdraw from a union.
“There are moments when we expect from us a yes, when in real life we do not want to be present. We would like to be present … but something blocks us. It is not by rejection of the other, nor by jealousy. It is only because this role bothers us and does not speak to us … And because we do not believe in what is played in front of our eyes. underlines Amélie Boukhobza.
Indeed, the love that this couple is experiencing can move away from our ideals and our values. It may seem unstable, fickle, even superficial. This love can also look like a form of arrangement that sounds hollow. So many good reasons that make it not happen to it and that it makes it difficult to support – consciously – this union.
How to formulate it, without hurting the other?
Whether within the framework of a marriage, a symbolic union or a more intimate commitment, “validate” a couple – and potentially fulfill a witness role – necessarily stirs something personal.
“It is shaking up the ideas that we have on love, on fidelity, on what it means to unite – and on what it evokes”, admits the psychologist.
So how can we say no, when we are offered such a place of honor? According to Amélie Boukhobza, playing the card of sincerity is essential. “Tell the truth, with a few forms, is recommended: just enough to stay aligned and gently enough not to humiliate”, says the expert.
We can thus say for example: “I am very touched by your proposal. But I do not feel comfortable with this role. I prefer to be present otherwise”.
“Because we have the right not to want to play a role to which we do not adhere. Refusing to witness, does not necessarily mean refusing to love”, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.