Last week, your friend seemed unwell. The fault of this (too) present mother or of her perverse-narcissistic companion, who influences all her daily decisions and uses her influence. The problem ? Despite your warnings, your friend keeps her blinders on. How can I then tell her, tactfully, that she is denying the evidence and minimizing the facts? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, enlightens us.
How to spot a person in distress?
Beyond the obvious physical and psychological symptoms (anxiety attacks, depression, uncontrollable crying, sudden weight loss, acute stress, etc.), several key points can help you identify a person who is sinking… but doesn’t realize it.
- This relative denies what you say (“This is not true“);
- He/she minimizes what is happening (“It only happened once“);
- He/she simply cuts off the conversation (“I don’t want to talk about it“).
Then, to help it truly move forward, taking action is essential.
When the other refuses the obvious, what to do?
Seeing a loved one sink is never easy. “Seeing someone you love sinking, minimizing, denying, refusing the obvious… is difficult to live with. Whether it’s burn-out, an addiction, a toxic relationship or any other problem, we would like to help them, open their eyes… But they don’t necessarily see… or don’t want to see”, confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
So, how to act?
“Already, we forget the frontal attack. Telling someone they have a problem when they’re not ready to hear it often sends them into even stronger denial. The more we insist, the more he becomes angry.” she assures.
What works better? Open doors rather than breaking them down.
“Slip in a sentence, an observation, without trying to convince: “Don’t you think that you are more tired than usual?”, “I have the impression that you are no longer really you at the moment”, “Perhaps talking to someone about it would do you good?”, unfolds the expert.
These words, these sentences are little seeds that we plant. “They don’t always take hold right away, but they stay in the back of your mind. Sometimes it takes time for the person to realize (the problem) themselves. But only this mechanism can work!” warns Amélie Boukhobza.
Finally, what we embody is important.
“When someone is doing badly, they observe, even unconsciously, how we react, how we take care of ourselves, how we set our own limits… Showing that we are there, without infantilizing, without judging, is often more effective than a thousand speeches“, underlines the specialist again. “The most important thing is to be an anchor. Because when he’s ready to see, someone will have to be there to help him move forward.” she concludes.