The paradox is disturbing, but common: feeling a strong nostalgia or affection for a person at the origin of our greatest wounds.
An abusive partner, a manipulative friend, an abusive parent…. Breaking up does not instantly end feelings.
This phenomenon arouses guilt and incomprehension in those who experience it. To see clearly, we must delve into the heart of the psychological mechanisms of attachment and overcome preconceived ideas.
A gap between reason and emotions
The human attachment system does not turn off simply by rational decision. It is anchored in our personal history, our emotional needs and our primary emotions. We can completely be aware of the toxicity of a bond while continuing to love.
As psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou reminds us, “the attachment system involves different functions: emotional bonds, relationships with others, but also the life history and personality of each person.
It is precisely because we are in the affective and emotional domain that there is often a gap in relation to the reality principle.
“This gap explains why victims of domestic violence, family violence or friendship violence struggle to “fall out of love”. The break is not the result of a simple intellectual will” she adds.
The trap of grief and attachment to good memories
Even within the most destructive relationships, there are often bright phases, moments of complicity or hope. The lack felt during a separation does not only relate to the violence suffered. But also on what was positive about the relationship and what it could have become. “We must then go through several simultaneous trials, starting with the loss of the relationship in the here and now, the loss of hopes, ideals, projections.”
Moreover, in every story, “there must have been pleasant, comfortable moments, which maintains an attachment to memories, to reminiscence” underlines our expert.
Detaching yourself thus implies beginning a real mourning process: mourning the person, but also the shared illusions.
The influence and dynamics of coercive control
In many cases, this lack is amplified by what we call instrumentalized attachment or coercive control. The other manipulates intimacy and vulnerabilities to create emotional dependence, alternating phases of rejection and demonstrations of affection.
Aline Nativel Id Hammou describes this mechanism where the perpetrator of violence relies on a form of use of the affectivity and vulnerability of the other to emotionally condition them into a form of dependence.
This destructive alternation places the victim in permanent waiting for the reunion phase. This cycle creates such a powerful emotional anchor that it becomes particularly difficult to extricate yourself from it without external help.
How to get out of repetition and rebuild yourself?
To break these repeated patterns and regain control of your emotional life, introspection and professional support are essential. According to the specialist, the objective is to succeed in deciphering what happened for us in this relationship, to be able to step back and continue to be surrounded by other types of emotional ties.
She encourages people not to hesitate to start therapy with a psychologist to understand the issues surrounding their attachment profile. “By working on one’s own history and one’s identity needs, it finally becomes possible to take an objective look at the past and form healthy and balanced relationships in the future.” she concludes.
Rebuilding yourself does not mean suddenly erasing feelings, nor reproaching yourself for still wanting to find someone who has hurt you. The lack can persist even though we know, deep down, that the relationship was not good for us.
Understanding this paradox gradually allows us to no longer confuse
lack and nostalgia. And above all to look at your story differently: what remains today is not the desire to find this person, but more simply the time necessary to find yourself.