Behind the lack of libido or the tensions under the covers sometimes hides a silent guest: self-image. Finding yourself too much of this, not enough of that, fearing the other’s gaze… so many invisible obstacles that interfere between two partners. For sexologist Gianpaolo Furgiuele, self-confidence and sexuality are closely linked.
Self-esteem, engine or brake of desire
According to the specialist, “self-esteem acts as a fuel for desire. When we feel good in our body, we want to show ourselves, to share, to seduce. Conversely, when we devalue ourselves, the body closes, desire dies.“.
This mechanism spares no one, regardless of gender: “For women, this often involves the relationship with the body and the way others see it; in men, by performance and the fear of not being “sure”“. Result: confidence wavers and “loss of self-esteem weakens confidence, therefore libido“.
And in this case, a poor body image never has an effect on life as a couple. “Negative body image doesn’t just affect one person, it affects the entire couple. When one of the partners feels bad in their body, they tend to close off, avoid contact, or fear the gaze of the other. Pleasure then becomes difficult, because shame takes the place of desire“. This withdrawal can quickly sow incomprehension and doubt: “The other partner may feel distanced, rejected, without understanding that this withdrawal comes from a lack of self-confidence, and not from a lack of love.“.
The gaze of the other, mirror or distorting magnifying glass
In a relationship, the partner’s gaze can be a powerful lever for reconstruction… or a source of injury. “The partner’s gaze can be both restorative and fragile. When it is caring and rewarding, it helps rebuild a positive self-image: feeling desired often allows you to reconcile the body and pleasure. The look of the other then becomes a soothing mirror“.
But it all depends on how this look is posed. “The opposite effect is also possible if this view becomes critical, distant or indifferent; it reactivates insecurities and further weakens self-esteem. In this case each avoidance can be experienced as a rejection. The challenge is to move away from the evaluative gaze and enter into a relational gaze“.
Rediscover the pleasure of your own body
To reconnect with your sensuality, Gianpaolo Furgiuele advocates a return to basics. “To reconcile self-confidence and sexuality, you must first relearn how to inhabit your body. Rediscover the pleasure of sensations such as breathing, touch, movement, even before the search for performance“.
In this process, an intimate tool can make the difference: “Masturbation, when experienced without guilt, plays an essential role here. It allows you to rediscover yourself, self-eroticize yourself, explore what gives pleasure, without challenges or an outside perspective. It’s a way of reclaiming your body and rebuilding a positive self-image.“.
For Gianpaolo Furgiuele, the secret lies in reconnecting with the body: “To desire is first of all to feel alive. Finding good self-esteem means reclaiming your body, accepting your imperfections, learning to self-erotize“.