Matt Pokora is not just a dad. He is also a “step-dad”, and this role is close to his heart, he who has invested body and soul in his relationship with Violet (Christina Milian’s daughter). But how can we explain such a strong attachment, from there to declaring that she is his “first child”? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, enlightens us.
“We connect heart to heart, and that’s what happened with Violet”
Since 2017, Matt Pokora has been in perfect love with actress Christina Milian. Two boys were born from this relationship: Isaiah in 2020 then Kenna a year later. A fatherhood that profoundly transformed his daily life… without constituting, in his eyes, his real beginning as a dad. Indeed, the singer took a liking to Violet Madison Nash, Christina Milian’s daughter, aged 7 when they met. For him, there is no doubt: she is “her first child“.
“My wife let me take the place I wanted. She let me arrive with my bearings, my rules, my education“, explains Matt Pokora in the show 50Min Inside.
And Violet pays him back: last year, on Father’s Day, the teenager sent him a nice statement: “Thank you for being there for me, for loving me like you do. You’re stuck with me forever.“
Words that still resonate with the singer. “We connect heart to heart, and that’s what happened with Violet“, he explains, visibly moved.
In the columns of Le Parisien, the father had already mentioned this special bond that unites them: “I am not the biological father, but I am overcome with love for this little one. When she calls me to tell me she misses me, I want to jump on a plane.”
How can we explain this strong bond with this child… of someone else? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, enlightens us.
Being a stepfather, an everyday role
If the position of step-parent can be difficult (and is never granted automatically), it can become rich over time – when it is nourished by shared moments and small everyday moments.
“Even if it’s not his biological child, it’s his child all the same… The father is also the one who is there, the everyday little dad, as I like to say.” confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
The singer took this role head on: he made his family – and Violet – his priority. Result: he became deeply attached to his stepdaughter, now 16 years old. A daughter-in-law/father-in-law love, which does not surprise our psychologist.
“The bond does not only pass through blood, but also, and above all, through presence with the child. Being there. Every day. Sharing meals, journeys, moments of fatigue, small victories. Teaching him to ride a bike, to swim, to laugh, to take him back too. Seeing him grow before our eyes – these are all shared moments that make the difference”, notes the expert.
Because yes, attachment is built in repetition, in what is slowly woven. And one fine day, we realize that we are starting to love him (a lot).
“Besides, we don’t decide to love this child. It happens, that’s all. Sometimes more quickly than expected. Sometimes with an intensity that can surprise. Because this child becomes an anchor in the relationship. A concrete, living bond. Something which goes beyond the couple, but which also comes from the woman we love”, analyzes the psychologist.
A link that remains fragile
Loving with all your being a child who is not your own can be a wonderful adventure. But since this place does not exist in the eyes of a distance (and it holds as long as we are in love: once separated, the other’s child often disappears too…), it remains fragile.
“The stepparent does not always occupy a clear and easy place. Not quite a parent, nor quite an outsider either. An in-between, without necessarily official recognition, but with a very real implication. The situation can therefore become complex, because we can love deeply… while sometimes having the feeling of not being legitimate. Wanting to set a frame… without knowing if you have the right to do so. Getting attached… knowing that the place can be called into question by the mother, by the biological father or by the child himself. This link therefore requires constant adjustment, with great finesse.” says Amélie Boukhobza.
And yet, this child transforms… For the better! It shakes up the benchmarks, disrupts everyday life, but it also brings new energy, another way of seeing things… and, in the end, a lot of positive things.
“It forces us to step outside of ourselves. To deal with a history that existed before us. To make a place… without taking up all the space. It’s a very particular experience of parenthood. We learn to be a parent… without having all the codes. Without having experienced the pregnancy, the birth. But with an emotional involvement that is sometimes just as strong, perhaps even more so, precisely because we are trying to create a place for ourselves where there was none. And this can sometimes be very structuring…“, concludes the psychologist.