Last week, you came across an email that had no need for use to be understood. “A message awaits you on your Onlyfans account”. The shock is real. You who innocently thought “enough” of your spouse are now relegated to the background, surpassed by countless profiles with unknown nicknames – Kimlacoquine, Sabrina or Mathieudu91. A total betrayal or an acceptable intimate garden? We asked Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, and here is her analysis.
A form of “digital” infidelity
According to the psychologist, registering and receiving private messages on Onlyfans is not “classic” infidelity, because there is no physical contact, no secret appointment.
“But it is not” just “like watching an erotic or pornographic film either. It is something else. A look elsewhere. A nourished desire. Sometimes an interaction. A subscription. Invested money. And for many, it is already a form of betrayal. Which seems to me understandable, especially if it is done in secret”says Amélie Boukhobza.
Indeed, it is not so much the disturbing erotic content. “But the frame: personalized, private, repeated. Sometimes even compulsive. It is this virtual link, which blurs the benchmarks of intimacy”, she underlines.
So, is it to view content on this site is a form of deception?
“It all depends on what we place behind this word. But crossing such a limit amounts to, very clearly, to exceed a border. That of the agreement – tacit or explicit – which holds the couple. When such a gap is discovered, the impact is never trivial. The effect of surprise accentuates pain. Nothing had prepared for such betrayal, and the injury is real”says the expert.
So how do you react?
Not by shouting first – it is not used for much. But by asking questions.
“Why? What are you finding there? What is it said of our link?”
And by posing it too: “What does it come from? My security? My esteem? My relationship to shared desire?”
Talking about it does not mean accepting everything. Nor forgive right away.
“But that allows, at least, to clarify. What we expect, what we tolerate, what we refuse in intimacy”, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.