The sudden silence in the house does not resonate the same way for everyone. For many parents, the departure of the last child triggers what psychology calls “empty nest syndrome”. It is not just a passing sadness, but a real grieving process.
The “empty nest syndrome”: when the couple must relearn how to live together
According to Aline Nativel Id Hammou, this stage is a “profound transition in the parental role which will have an impact on the parental team“. If the couple has long forgotten each other behind family logistics, the tête-à-tête becomes dizzying.
“We may realize that we have put a lot of energy into parenting and that, ultimately, we find ourselves faced with a feeling of emptiness or loss of usefulness. explains the expert. The challenge is then to move from the “parental couple” to the pure “marital couple”.
The living environment crisis, a necessary “reshuffle”
This period, located between the ages of 45 and 55, often corresponds to what Carl Jung called the mid-life crisis. Far from being only negative, it is a necessary step with different stages:
- Life assessment: We weigh our successes and our regrets;
- The relationship with the body: Menopause and andropause shake up one’s self-image. “We leave the fantasy of immortality” underlines the psychologist;
- The discrepancy of needs: While one aspires to renewal, the other can withdraw into itself.
For Aline Nativel Id Hammou, this crisis first affects the “I” before hitting the “We”. “It is a form of psychological rebalancing. This existential passage of “I” can be essential and beneficial for the couple, provided they succeed in mutually adjusting.”
The OSBD method: the tool for listening to yourself without attacking yourself
To navigate these turbulences, nonviolent communication (NVC) is a valuable tool. The objective? Get out of the vicious circle of reproaches (“You never do anything”, “You are always somewhere else”). Aline Nativel Id Hammou recommends the OSBD method, while recalling that it is an ideal to achieve which requires practice.
- O for Observation: Describe the facts without judgment. “I observe what is happening, but I must also observe what is happening inside me”;
- S for Feeling: Express your own emotion without interpreting that of the other. “We often have the illusion of knowing what the other person has in mind, but we can be completely off the mark.” ;
- B for Need: Identify what is missing for your development (security, recognition, time together);
- D for Request: Formulate a clear, precise and simple proposal.
The expert warns, however: in the emotional domain, being in a total perspective is not so simple. “The important thing is to try to decode your own emotions before projecting them onto your partner.” she recommends.
Redefining your life project: a new impetus
If the crisis does not lead to a breakup – which can sometimes be beneficial for both partners according to our expert – it often allows us to build a more authentic couple contract.
Reconstruction involves investment in new common activities: travel, community projects or new leisure activities. It is an opportunity to rediscover ourselves as individuals and no longer just as managers of a household. “We must accept that we will sometimes misunderstand or judge the intentions of the other” concludes Aline Nativel Id Hammou, “but this passage can offer a real new lease of life for the years that remain to live.