Even the happiest couples go through periods of conflict and bursts of voice from time to time. But more than the volume, the importance generally nestles in the reason of these arguments. And some common subjects tend to repeat themselves in homes. A YouGov survey was also carried out on this subject: here are the most common reasons that make couples twist. And the opinion of a psychologist.
The tone used or attitude
Little surprise! An acerbic tone or attitude-that is to say slightly raising the voice, making a sarcastic comment, raise your eyes to the sky in full conversation-is by far the most frequent cause of couple arguments. For the one who expresses them, it may seem trivial. But for those who suffer them, it directly affects a sensitive string, because it translates contempt. An index not to be taken lightly. Indeed, in marital studies, contempt is one of the most reliable indicators of divorce. Unlike open criticism or obstruction (emotional closure), contempt is hidden under non -verbal gestures and body language.
How to overcome this: for Mark Travers, couple psychologist, the important thing is here to resist the imperative desire to retaliate.
“”Fighting fire by fire never works, so try to name the effect: “It was condescending. We can try again? ‘ This gives your partner the opportunity to rectify the shot, without instantly worsen the situation.“”
And if you are the one who shows contempt, take stock with yourself before saying more. Why this tone? Do you feel ignored? Frustrated ? Exceeds ? Identifying what feeds contempt is the first step to express yourself without further harming the relationship.
Family relationships
Another point of friction: disputes over family relationships often reflect fundamental imbalances and unsatisfied needs.
One of the partners can feel helpless or marginalized, especially if his spouse seems, by default, to defend his side of the family. In situations involving children, disputes are generally summed up for conflicts of values, where each partner has the feeling that their fundamental parental values are flouted.
“”But ultimately, neither of the two partners is right or wrong in these situations. In fact, they are probably looking for exactly the same thing: someone who is on their side“, Analysis the psychologist.
How to overcome this situation: a good starting point is to reassure each other.
For example : “I like my family, but you are always my partner. How can we find a solution that meets our needs and our values?”
Then comes an essential discussion on your limits: what to do when a line is crossed, or how to be solidarity in front of others (even when you do not agree in private). This will prevent you from exploding.
Household chores
Household chores are also found in the center of numerous arguments – and more specifically, the unequal distribution of tasks between partners. Because it is a fact: very often, one of the partners (often women) assumes most of the domestic tasks … while also managing appointments, invoices, etc. A lack of recognition that can quickly turn into tension.
How to overcome this: for the psychologist, this dynamic can often be modified if the weight is expressed aloud.
“”The simple fact of saying: ‘I did not know how much you wore, thank you’ gives your partner the recognition he needed.“From there, it is also possible to redistribute the tasks in a lasting way. Not necessarily a 50/50 sharing every day, but it must be a shared responsibility.
Your communication styles
This is undoubtedly the most delicate reason. Because of a ultimately manageable problem, the tension then moves to the form of communication taken by the partners.
For example, one of the partners is upset by an inequitable distribution of tasks … But when it evokes the concern, the other receives its words ineffective, even aggressively.
“”If the conversation is welcomed with defensive, critic or obstruction, the argument will turn away from the initial problem. Rather, she will focus on the bad turn of the conversation“Recalls the expert.
How to overcome this: a simple strategy used by the successful couples is the rule of 5 seconds. This amounts to having a word or a designated sentence that signals:
“We are in the middle of a spiral, take a dead time.” This gives a very necessary break, without the negative effects of a rush outlet. It is then a question of resuming the conversation by leaving everyone time to express their point of view.
Communication, an essential element
Whatever the cause of the argument, it is therefore clear that the lack of good communication is often what ignites the speech. “”Communication is a pillar, yes“, confirmed the psychologist Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, in one of our articles.”But not just any. What matters is a word where everyone can express themselves without fear of judgment, in a climate of respect and listening. It is a communication that does not seek to win but to understand the other, even in moments of tension“She said.
The other important point, according to her, is to know how to forgive, to find appeasement. And advance stronger in life. “”But it is not a simple transition to something else; It is an effort towards the other to appease it“, Detailed the expert.
“”To forgive is to decide together that the error or the argument will not define the relationship. This requires a real ability to turn the page to focus on the essentials, without rehashing past injuries“Analyze Amélie Boukhobza.