Everyone makes mistakes. But when it comes to recognizing them, words have a weight that should never be underestimated. In friendship, couple or family, apologize may be an ordeal in itself. And sometimes, it is less the fact of asking for forgiveness than the way we do it that is problematic. Psychologist Carolyn Sharp reminds us: a false excuse can do much more harm than silence. Here are five ways to apologize to banish if you really want to repair things.
“I’m sorry you feel that”
At first glance, this sentence seems full of empathy. But it has a formidable subtext: “I’m sorry you feel that“, As if the problem came exclusively from the sensitivity of the other. Carolyn Sharp is categorical:”This comes back to saying to the other: “I’m sorry it’s crazy enough to feel that ‘, or’ I’m sorry that you are stupid enough to experience these feelings’“.
Result: the injured person feels considered or misunderstood, and the relationship comes out even more weakened. This form of excuse denies any real responsibility.
“I’m sorry, but …”
The “but” cancels everything that precedes it. It introduces a rationalization, a personal excuse which only diverts the attention from the wrong caused. “”I’m sorry, but I was tired“,”I’m sorry, but you caused me“… In any case, responsibility is deflected. You are no longer in the excuse, but in defense.
According to the psychologist, this kind of sentence “aims to serve you rather than helping your partner“. The underlying message:”I’m sorry, but I can’t help it“. It can quickly become a vicious circle where no one is really listening to.
An empty, dry or annoyed “
A simple “sorry” balanced in a hurry can be perceived as a verbal slap. We are talking about “here”Dispute apologies“, As Carolyn Sharp calls them,”because it lacks the real care and the intention necessary to cure“.
And it can get worse: “Sorry, are you happy now?” Or “Well, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, ok?“These sentences, often said in an annoyed or mocking tone, are felt as an additional attack. They close the door to any emotional repair.
“I am the worst person in the world”
Verbally flageing may seem sincere. But in reality, it diverts attention from the other’s pain. “”I am horrible, I am mean, why are you staying with me?“: Behind this apparent distress hides an unconscious strategy.
“”This forces the injured partner to take care of the person who injured him“Explains Carolyn Sharp. The balance of the relationship takes a blow, because emotional support turns abruptly. And the real suffering of the other is overshadowed by your own guilt.
“Very well, sorry, I will never help you again so”
Here is the passive-aggressive version of the excuse. We pretend to apologize, but in reality, we punish the other for daring to express a need or an injury. “”Sorry, but your request was too difficult too!” Or “Ok, sorry, I will never get anything more with anything“: This type of phrases completely reverse the logic of the excuse.
“”This is the most toxic form of non-excuse“, Underlines the psychologist,”And she has no place in a healthy relationship“. Because it transforms the other into a problem, when it only made a limit or ask for respect.
We all have, one day or another, sold to one of these impulsive reactions. Under the blow of fatigue, anger or shame, it is human to apologize. But learning to identify these linguistic traps is already a step towards a more honest and peaceful communication.