This is the error that we all make as a couple (and it leads the right to disappointment)

This is the error that we all make as a couple (and it leads the right to disappointment)
Many of us feed a silent expectation, hoping that certain attitudes will disappear over time. Rather than accepting the other as it is, a temptation persists: that of influencing what does not depend on oneself. An insidious trap, warns a psychologist, who could weaken much more than expected. Here is why.

“We all have character traits and habits deeply rooted in us. If it is natural not to appreciate certain aspects of the personality of our partner, we should not try to change it because it is what it is”, explains the psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein in an article published on Psychology Today. If a particular behavior displeases us (his way of putting the dishes away, the fact that he smokes or does not happen), we can possibly discuss it with him to find out if he is willing to make efforts. On the other hand, it is unrealistic and unfair to expect from him that he becomes a person he does not want to be. Not to mention that, the more we criticize his partner, the more he puts himself on the defensive, which can only weaken the bases of trust and intimacy of the relationship.

Acceptance, key to a lasting relationship

According to the American psychologist John Gottman, who devoted several decades to the study of couples and factors that make lasting relationships, around 70 % of conflicts between partners remain unresolved. For what ? Because we do not learn to accept each other as we are. Most often, these persistent disagreements come from fundamental differences in personality and values, which do not change easily. To accept what bothers us in the other, it is essential to keep in mind that no one is perfect. We too have character traits that can be difficult to live for our partner. “”Accepting each other is the best way to encourage themselves to evolve in a benevolent way. Especially since the fact of feeling accepted as one is reinforced the intimacy within the couple “, argues the psychologist.

Know how to set your limits

However, this does not mean that we should accept everything and anything from our partner. “”It is essential to distinguish between accepting the peculiarities and differences from your partner, and tolerating harmful behavior. Also, if it behaves abusive or manipulative, it is crucial to approach these problems directly and, if necessary, to solicit the help of a professional or even to consider putting an end to the relationship to preserve his security and well-being “, warns Jeffret Bernstein. Finally, it is better to learn to see the other other than wanting to transform it.