We know it, we sometimes feel it from the start: this relationship is not entirely healthy. However, something pushes you to go back. A powerful, almost magnetic attraction, which can seem incomprehensible, both for the person concerned and for those around them. Why do some toxic relationships seem so intense, exhilarating, or even “ideal” at first? And above all, why is it so difficult to get out of it?
For clinical psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, this paradox is not irrational: “The important word is precisely seems. A toxic relationship seems nice, seems attractive. But behind this sensation, there are extremely powerful psychological mechanisms.
A toxic relationship activates a real “reward system”
What makes a toxic relationship so addictive isn’t just love or attachment. It is above all the permanent alternation between moments of intense happiness and periods of suffering.
“In psychology, we talk about intermittent reinforcement”, explains the specialist. “It’s an alternation of affectivity, of unpredictability, between comfort and fear, which strongly activates the reward system.”
Concretely, the relationship works on an emotional roller coaster. One day, the other idealizes you, showers you with attention, makes you feel unique. The next day, he becomes cold, hurtful, distant or humiliating. Then he comes back with tenderness, apologies or promises.
“It’s the famous I love you, I hate you”summarizes the psychologist. “This unpredictability creates a form of emotional dependence.”
The brain then remains waiting for the “right moment” which may return. And this expectation maintains the attachment.
Why can this intensity be confused with love?
But then why deliberately plunge into such a relationship. Because a toxic relationship often gives the feeling of experiencing something exceptional.
“Emotional intensity can give the impression of being alive, of experiencing something unique, passionate,”
underlines Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
At the beginning, these relationships are frequently based on strong idealization. The other seems “perfect”, extremely available, attentive, close-knit. Everything seems stronger, faster, more intense than elsewhere.
“There is often a phase of too much: too much love, too much attention, too much availability. This creates a very seductive ‘wow’ effect”
This idealization also affects self-esteem. Being placed on a pedestal provides a feeling of immense value. Even if, a few days later, this same person belittles you or destroys you psychologically.
“We go from a position of goddess or god… to a brutal devaluation. And this alternation further strengthens the influence”.
The weight of childhood and emotional wounds
Toxic relationships don’t fall from the sky. They often reactivate patterns already known emotionally. “We go more easily towards what is familiar to us, even if it has caused us pain”explains the psychologist.
Some people grew up in unstable, unpredictable or insecure emotional environments. They learned, very early, that love could coexist with fear, rejection or hurt.
Result: a chaotic relationship can unconsciously seem “normal”.
“There may be a search for repairs”specifies the specialist. “The person who hurts us also becomes the one who consoles us. This creates a very powerful psychological survival mechanism.”
In other words: we hope that this time, the story will end differently.
“I will succeed in changing the other”
Another common trap: believing that we can save, repair or transform the relationship.
“There is often this idea: for once, things are not going to happen as before. We think that we will succeed in changing the other or in changing ourselves.”
This mechanism nourishes what psychologists call the repetition of relational patterns. We unconsciously replay known scenarios, with the hope of finally obtaining a happy outcome. But this expectation also maintains the hold.
Why do we stay despite the warning signs?
Because part of the brain is constantly trying to justify the relationship.
“We then speak of cognitive dissonance“, explains Aline Nativel Id Hammou. “Even when the relationship hurts, we find excuses: it’s not his fault, he’s going through a difficult time, he’s already been great to me…“
The person then clings to the rare positive moments, even if they become a minority. And above all, she keeps the hope that “the beautiful version” from the beginning will return.
But it is urgent to dispel one belief: staying in a toxic relationship does not mean being weak or naive.
“It’s not stupid to go there,” insists the psychologist.
“It has nothing to do with intelligence.”
These mechanisms are often unconscious and deeply linked to emotional history, emotional needs and the way in which each person has constructed themselves.
There is also an important cultural influence. Films, series, novels or social networks often promote passionate, fusional and extreme stories.
“We often convey the idea that you have to experience something strong, intense, exceptional for it to have value.”
The problem is that intensity doesn’t necessarily equate to a healthy relationship.
The real danger: confusing passion and well-being
Over time, these relationships often become psychologically draining. Because behind the exhilarating moments lies chronic emotional instability, a loss of direction, a drop in self-esteem and sometimes a real emotional hold.
“Ultimately, this never healthily meets the fundamental needs of a relationship based on kindness, respect and reciprocal empathy”recalls the specialist.
Yes, a toxic relationship can seem exhilarating, vibrant, out of the ordinary. But what seems intense at first can also become deeply destructive. And this is precisely where the paradox lies.