Telling the person you love that something isn’t working under the covers is often more frightening than the silence itself. Between the fear of hurting people, that of weakening the couple or of awakening buried insecurities, many prefer to wait or remain silent. Result: discomfort sets in, desire stiffens, and incomprehension grows where there could be dialogue. How to express your desires without attacking the other’s ego? When to broach the subject, and with what words, to avoid getting stuck or running away? Gianpaolo Furgiuele, sexologist in Nice and author, gives his valuable advice.
Why is it so hard to say”you’re doing it wrong“?
In many couples, talking about sexuality remains fragile because it affects self-esteem. As Gianpaolo Furgiuele explains, “sexuality touches on narcissism. Saying “you’re doing it wrong”, even indirectly, is often understood as “you’re not desirable”, “you’re not good enough”“But these reactions are not whims: they reveal how many people still confuse sexual performance and sharing intimacy.
The problem also comes from the fact that “talking about sexuality means first talking about yourself, your body, your sensations, your fantasies“. It exposes everyone’s fears and vulnerabilities.
How to formulate your expectations without hurting people?
Changing the way you say things can transform everything. According to the sexologist, the objective is not to accuse but to share what we are experiencing.
Gianpaolo Furgiuele recommends always starting from yourself. Rather than attributing an error or clumsiness to the other, it is more constructive to say what we feel, what we would like to experience, and how we imagine the shared pleasure.
The sexologist explains concretely: say “I wish we took more time“is very different from”you are going too fast“. This formulation transforms an implicit criticism into an invitation to sharing and discussion, and therefore reinforces complicity rather than provoking defensiveness.
Moments, words and attitudes to favor (and those to avoid)
For the exchange to be truly heard and constructive, certain contexts and attitudes are essential:
- “Avoid moments of tension or fatigue when broaching the subject“: it is difficult to listen when you are exhausted or already stressed;
- “Choose a time outside of sexuality to talk about sexuality“: this helps defuse the immediate emotional charge;
- “Favor curiosity and desire rather than reproach“: benevolent communication opens more doors than accusatory wording;
- “Do not make comparisons with other experiences or partners“: This only exacerbates insecurity and distracts from your personal needs.
These tips aim to make communication a space for co-creating pleasure, rather than a moment of judgment.
And if, despite everything, he or she turns away?
Even with respectful and clear communication, sometimes the partner closes off or refuses to question their practices. Our expert identifies several possible causes:fear of losing, feeling of inadequacy, defensive rigidity“.
The attitude to avoid is to enter into a power struggle. This widens the gap rather than bringing it closer together. The sexologist invites you to ask yourself an intimate but essential question: “If the other refuses any questioning, I will ask myself ‘what place does my desire have in this relationship?’“.
Beyond this personal questioning, he reminds us that sometimes a third party, a sexologist or a couples therapist can help get out of the face-to-face encounter. A professional can restore sexuality to its place in the couple by providing neutral ground for expressing oneself freely.