Sometimes it takes a word of way to trigger a verbal tidal wave. When the cries invite themselves in the relationship, difficult to manage your anger. However, this scenario, much more common than you think, often hides silent distress. So why does your partner shouts you? And above all, how to react when the voice rises and the emotions slip? It is a classic of love tensions: a misunderstanding, an accumulated fatigue, a misinterpreted sentence … and suddenly, one of the two explodes. If the arguments are normal in a couple, the cries reveal a deeper level of tension. “”Disputes within a couple are normal, often necessary to express things difficult to say otherwise“Explains psychologist Amélie Boukhobza.”However, when they are accompanied by cries, it is a sign that something is too overflowing“.
Why does my partner scream on me?
Behind the cries, there is often a flood of contained emotions that end up bursting. According to Amélie Boukhobza, “Anger is often a response to frustration, the feeling of injustice or an unmet need“. Clearly, shouting would be an outlet when we no longer know how to formulate otherwise what eats at us.
It is an impulsive reflex, closer to the defense reflex than to the desire to harm. “”It is a drive overflow, as if something was seized in it and took over“, describes the psychologist. Fatigue, stress, mental overload, unpaid expectations, misunderstandings … The causes are multiple, but all have a common point: the desperate need to be heard.
We must not forget that the personality plays a role. “”The anger of a very calm individual is perhaps the sign of a more important problem, than that of a more bloody person who reacts in a regularly impulsive way (but probably less significant)“, nuance the expert. This does not excuse the cries in any way, but it allows them to be better interpreted.
How to react without making the situation?
It is in the reaction that everything is played out. And no, responding with cries is never the right idea. “”Above all, we must not respond with cries and anger in return, which would only increase the situation“, Alert Amélie Boukhobza.
Two tracks are possible, depending on the situation and the intensity of the moment:
- Wait until the tension falls, by not responding immediately, to avoid climbing;
- Leave the space if necessary, leaving the room or the apartment, but always specifying that we come back. This point is crucial: it is not a question of fleeing, but of creating a decompression airlock.
Once the storm is passed, it becomes possible to speak. The secret? Non -violent, gentle and posed communication. “”You have to tell him about his feelings without accusing him: by clearly explaining things to him“, advises the psychologist. A sentence like”I feel injured when you are screaming“Allows you to express your discomfort without pointing the finger.
The challenge is to defuse the conflict while reaffirming its limits. Calmly coming back to the episode, in a peaceful moment, is essential to prevent anger from crystallizing in the relationship. Because in the long term, this is where the danger is watching for: “Words can go beyond thought and become insults, marking the couple in an indelible way and which can lead to their destruction“Concludes Amélie Boukhobza.