This question crosses the minds of many women, often in silence and guilt, when the desire for another arises while the relationship is established. According to Céline Vendé, sexologist and couples therapist, this desire is not systematically synonymous with the end of love and deserves to be questioned beyond preconceived ideas. “Wanting to cheat is not necessarily a sign of disenchantment” she explains straight away, recalling that long relationships experience natural evolutions of desire, sometimes confusing. What does this desire reflect and what should we do?
Why do I want to cheat on him?
The desire to look elsewhere may reveal a specific need that is no longer nourished in the relationship: “The desire to look elsewhere is perhaps a signal that reflects a need for novelty, recognition, desirability, eroticism or freedom. It can also be a desire linked to resentment, anger, loneliness or relational fatigue“.
“You can love your partner deeply but feel desire for another person. This is a relatively common paradox, especially in long relationships where desire evolves“.
It is often sexuality which occupies a central place in this shift. “Feeling like cheating can be a sign of a lack of eroticism, because the couple has fallen into a sexual routine with the same erotic script repeating itself“, observes Céline Vendé. When seduction disappears and intimacy becomes mechanical, “sexuality then becomes more functional than alive“. This lack can also be emotional, with “a lack of listening, tenderness, the impression of not being chosen“For some people, fantasized or real infidelity then becomes an attempt to reconnect with oneself: “by going elsewhere, the person can rediscover the feeling of being alive, desired and of rediscovering a part of themselves“.
Desire, fantasy and acting out…
Feeling attraction doesn’t necessarily mean crossing a line. Céline Vendé insists on the need to distinguish several levels. “Desire translates into an attraction, an energy that arises spontaneously towards someone.. It can appear without conscious intention, sometimes even without apparent logic.
The fantasy remains on the side of the imagination. “The fantasy is rather an internal scenario, a mental enactment which can serve to fuel excitement without real intention. We can fantasize without wanting to act, but only feed our erotic universe“Many people live out these fantasies without ever questioning their commitment.
The act marks a different rupture. “It is a decision that will involve choices, limits and management of consequences for oneself and for one’s relationship.“This distinction is essential because, as the sexologist reminds us, “feeling is different from doing. Many people will experience fantasies or desires without taking action.“.
An individual need or a couple in danger?
These urges can sometimes reveal a personal discomfort rather than a deep marital problem. “This can be an individual problem sometimes. These desires can reveal low self-esteem, the need for validation or the need to be desired.“. It is important to emphasize that certain periods of life are more fragile, such as “postpartum, menopause, burnout“.
It also happens that poorly set limits lead to unwelcome situations. “Some women also have difficulty setting limits and find themselves in a situation of infidelity ‘despite themselves’ because they cannot say no to a suitor.“.
“In the majority of cases, the individual and the marital are difficult to distinguish because they intertwine…“.
Temporary crisis or disenchantment, how to tell the difference?
To distinguish a temporary crisis, the sexologist recalls certain signals that recur regularly;
- An ever-present attachment;
- The persistent desire to build common projects;
- Guilt or confusion about this desire.
The signs of falling out of love are very different:
- Indifference towards the partner;
- Emotional detachment or even contempt;
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The inability to commit or plan;
- The persistent feeling of no longer choosing the relationship.
Advice from the sexologist to deal with the situation
Before any irreversible decision, Céline Vendé invites you to slow down. “I recommend taking a break from the action. We must not confuse the sexual impulse and a real decision“.
Identifying the underlying need then becomes essential in order to communicate and improve the couple’s intimacy. “Above all, I advise putting words into the couple and talking about these needs, without going into reproach by talking about sex life without accusations.“. Recreating the bond, reintroducing moments together or being accompanied by a couples therapist can help break the silence.
“Before deciding to break up or cheat, it is useful to understand what this desire is saying.“.