According to Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and author of The 3 secrets of couples that last (Solar), vacations would not be responsible for marital crises. Rather, they act as a revealer: by removing the distractions of everyday life, they expose the real emotional state of the couple.
When the dream vacation becomes the moment where everything overflows
For months, many couples move forward in automatic mode. The days are punctuated by work, children, obligations, financial constraints, mental load. We sometimes exchange more practical information than real moments of connection. Then summer arrives.
A few days of freedom, a carefully prepared suitcase, the hope of rediscovering a lost bond. The scenario seems perfect. However, this is sometimes where the weaknesses appear. A disagreement over the organization of the day. A remark that would have been harmless a few weeks earlier. An irritation that builds faster than expected.
For Christian Richomme, this phenomenon can be explained by an invisible accumulation: emotional fatigue.
“Vacations do not create difficulties for the couple. They reveal emotional fatigue accumulated throughout the year. Many couples arrive on vacation with emotional batteries already discharged.”.
The problem would therefore not be the destination, the weather or the organization of the stay. Vacations do not create a crisis: they simply remove the protections that allowed us to hold on.
The vacation trap: wanting to repair an entire year in a few days
Behind this “holiday burn-out” lies an immense expectation: that of making vacation a time of repair. After months of stress or distance, many hope that a few days together will be enough to regain the lightness of the beginnings. As if the sun, rest and change of scenery could erase the accumulated tensions. But a week can’t always fix a year. According to Christian Richomme, three psychological mechanisms explain this fragility.
The first is this excessive expectation placed on vacations. They become a sort of “catch-up date” for the couple: they should rediscover their passion, share perfect moments and recreate a harmony that is sometimes lost.
The second mechanism is due to permanent proximity. During the year, everyone has their own spaces, their own rhythms, their own occupations. On vacation, this distance disappears. Habits, differences in functioning and small, long-held criticisms come to the fore.
Finally, the idealized image of the perfect vacation can become a trap. When reality doesn’t match the imagined dream, frustration can quickly take the place of pleasure.
These little signs that show that the couple is at the end of their rope
The “Holiday Burnout” does not necessarily look like a big, spectacular crisis. It can start with details.
An unusual impatience. A feeling of being more tired than happy. The feeling that the other “never does enough”. Disputes that arise from the first days.
Among the signs identified:
- The first tensions appear quickly after arriving on vacation;
- The little everyday things suddenly become irritating;
- Each blames the other for a lack of investment;
- Fatigue takes up more space than pleasure;
- The return gives the impression of not having really found each other again.
These moments can be destabilizing, because they contradict a very deeply held belief: that according to which going together should naturally bring people together.
But sometimes, the silence of everyday life simply allowed certain questions to be pushed aside.
Find the connection without looking for the perfect vacation
The good news is that this phenomenon is not inevitable. Vacations can also become a space to rebuild, as long as you don’t ask the impossible of them.
The first step is to let go of the idea that a perfect vacation must solve everything.
Christian Richomme recommends several avenues: accept that everyone keeps moments for themselves, reduce the pressure of perfection, take time to really communicate without a phone, and favor small moments of complicity rather than an ideal program.
The goal is not to make perfect memories. It’s about finding a mutual presence again.
Because behind summer tensions there is often a deeper question: do we still take care of our relationship on a daily basis?
Christian Richomme’s sentence sums up this idea:
“Vacations never save a couple. They simply reveal his state of health. A solid couple does not become happy because they go out into the sun; he’s enjoying the sun because he was already doing well”.
Holidays as a couple’s mirror
“Vacation Burnout” is ultimately less about a failure in love than a signal. That of a couple who, freed from the usual constraints, find themselves facing themselves.
The holidays are not necessarily the time when everything is better. They are sometimes the moment when we finally see what was already requiring attention.
What if the real goal of summer wasn’t to have perfect days, but simply to find yourself?