A joke that falls flat, a colleague who constantly talks about himself, a friend who gets too close: these little scenes often say more than long speeches. Psychologists then speak of social intelligence, this ability to understand others and adapt one’s behavior. When she is missing, there are no major dramas, but a series of behaviors that end up tiring those around her.
Low social intelligence is a difficulty decoding non-verbal signals, finding the right tone, showing empathy and perceiving the effect of one’s actions on others. Often, these people do not realize that they are creating discomfort. Identifying a few common attitudes already allows you to better understand what is happening, or to gently question yourself.
Low social intelligence: the most visible behaviors
A first sign is a conversation that is totally centered on oneself: someone strings together anecdotes and problems without leaving room for the other’s responses. Active listening is lacking, questions are rare. Another clue is that the person ignores body language, such as crossed arms, shifty eyes or short answers, and continues on the same topic. Finally, she can boast without filter or, on the contrary, constantly devalue herself, which makes everyone uncomfortable.
When a strong emotion arises, the reaction is sometimes completely misguided: joking when the other person is in tears, giving unsolicited advice or abruptly changing the subject.
Another typical behavior is failure to respect personal boundaries: asking very intimate questions on the first meeting, touching the other person without being invited, insisting on talking about money, religion or politics when the climate is not suitable for it.
Clumsiness, shyness or real low social intelligence?
Everyone has an inappropriate gesture or a failed joke. Shyness or social anxiety can make one appear to lack social skills, when the person is mostly stressed.
Low social intelligence can be seen when these behaviors are repeated in various contexts, at work or at home, and when the person does not really try to adjust their way of being despite the reactions around them.
Self-awareness also plays a key role. People who are not very sensitive to the atmosphere of a group have more difficulty working in a team, managing a conflict without making it worse, or accepting feedback. Here again, this is not inevitable: understanding the concrete impact of one’s attitudes is often the first trigger for change.
Some simple ways to strengthen your social intelligence
To progress, psychologists recommend very concrete actions:
- Monitor your speaking time;
- Ask more questions;
- Look at the other person’s face and posture before responding.
And after a blunder, a simple “I think I was clumsy, excuse me” is often enough to restart the conversation on a more peaceful basis.