On Instagram, the latest published photo of Liam Di Benedetto (Les Marseillais) showed her pregnant and radiant, shortly before welcoming her twins to enlarge his family. A “final stretch” as she said, broken a few weeks later. And silence. Because behind the absence of publication was established an intimate drama: one of his babies was struck by the sudden death of the infant in only a month and a half.
“I needed silence”
On August 7, the 32 -year -old young woman, already a mother of two children and therefore a youngest, Leroy, courageously returned to the networks. In a video posted on her Instagram account on Thursday, she broke the silence for the first time on this year of mourning. Rare speech on the death of a child, barely born.
“In a few days, I went from absolute happiness to the most unspeakable pain. Congratulations to condolences. And I thought I was going to die too. Not figuratively, but physically, literally. I just wanted to disappear, terrify myself, cut myself from the noise, looks, notifications. So, I turned off my phone. I needed silence, time “.
The bereaved mom, however used to screens, also tells how she took care of her and her family. “I hung up on those who remained. To my children, to my family, to what did not hurt. Sometimes, to survive, we must move away. The networks, however present in our lives, are not made to contain such pain”.
Her story, she preferred to sleep it on paper rather than online. An autobiography entitled “The people who call me Liam do not know me ” will thus be published on October 2. A project in the form of creation that helped the young woman stand standing according to her: “This project held me alive, and I believe that without this book, I would not be here today. I would not have come back “.
“From absolute happiness to inexpressible pain”: a singular mourning so little mentioned
Liam Di Benedetto’s word is rare today. Not only because perinatal mourning remains taboo. But also because it evokes a rare event: the loss of a child, while the other is alive, well present.
“Losing a child is worse than an earthquake. There is no word” Bait psychologist Amélie Boukhobza on this subject. The proof, “In the French language, you are orphan when you lose a parent, widower when you lose a spouse … But no word exists for the loss of a child. So it is inexpressible “.
But losing one of his twins is an even more singular mourning, admits our psychologist. Because the other is there, despite the pain. “”Same age, same features often, same expressions sometimes … a permanent reminder of the one that is no longer “. The joy of seeing him growing together with the pain of lack. And each step taken by one revives the absence of the other.
A permanent punch, but also a force, it seems. Does the presence of the twin force to pull himself together? “Yes, surely. Because you have to be there for him, move forward, preserve his carelessness. But sometimes it is worse. Because this presence maintains the injury open, and makes mourning more difficult to integrate.”
Between love for those who stay and pain for those who are gone, there can be a form of ambivalence. A conflict of loyalty, too: to continue for those who are there, but to help but love it completely … “As if to love it fully, it was betraying the other ” glimpsed the psychologist.
An ambivalence which often requires care and professional listening to refocus.
Talking about it or not with the present child?
There remains the question that haunts the parents who know this drama: should we talk about it to the present twin, for fear of transmitting his trauma or guilt to him? For Amélie Boukhobza, yes, there is no doubt. “Because the absence, he will necessarily feel it. He will occupy a special place, he will necessarily carry the weight of this absence”.
Talking about it, however, does not mean saying everything, all the time. “”It depends on age, maturity, what he asks or supports at some point. So we say and we repeat over the years and questions in the vocabulary adapted to our age “. The right attitude? Give him a space where he can ask his questions, say his feelings, without fear of injuring the parent: “It is essential. It is the only way to allow him to build his story clearly, and not as a secret or a taboo ” concludes the psychologist. SWe advise the most important? Especially no unsaid, nor lies!