A cold remark, a message read without response… and suddenly, everything tenses up. The chest tightens, the breath becomes shorter, the jaw contracts. Anger or sadness rises, sometimes with an intensity that seems difficult to understand given the situation. However, what is happening does not necessarily come from what has just happened. But from further away.
Why do certain situations bring up old emotions?
Between 0 and 7 years old, explains psychologist Dalila Benfriha, the child is particularly sensitive to his environment and can record family atmospheres, tensions, silences or even the reactions of those close to him. Certain experiences can thus leave an emotional imprint. Later, in a romantic or friendly relationship, a seemingly banal situation can awaken something older.
We sometimes talk about
childhood wounds or emotional wounds. Expressions widely used in popular psychology, but which do not correspond to a medical diagnosis as such. They nevertheless allow us to put words to reactions which are repeated and sometimes seem difficult to understand.
Psychologist Anna Maria Sepe, founder of the site Psicoadvisor, explains that our brain constantly relies on our past experiences to anticipate what could happen.
Faced with a situation that resembles, even remotely, a painful experience already experienced, it can therefore trigger a protective reaction.
When a reaction seems “too strong” in relation to the situation
This is sometimes where the lag appears. A simple “seen” with no response. A partner who takes several hours to respond. A remark that seems distant. For some people, these situations can cause a particularly strong emotional response.
For what ? Because the brain doesn’t just react to the current situation. It can also reactivate an already known fear: that of being abandoned, rejected, ignored or of no longer being loved.
Difficult experiences during childhood are particularly associated with a greater risk of relational difficulties and certain attachment styles, particularly anxious. But this obviously does not mean that a person who has had a complicated childhood will necessarily develop this type of reaction.
The first step is therefore to differentiate between what is happening now and what the situation will eventually awaken.
A few questions can help you take this step back: Is what just happened really enough to explain the intensity of my reaction? What exactly do I fear? Does this fear remind me of a situation I have already experienced?
This little downtime does not make the emotion disappear. But it can make it possible not to act immediately under its influence.
These behaviors that can reveal emotional insecurity
Some reactions can become habits. They often have one function: to protect the person from a situation that they perceive as threatening.
- THE need to pleasefor example, can lead to systematically accepting the requests of others, for fear of disappointing or losing their affection.
- L’hypersensitivity to rejection can make the slightest sign of distance particularly difficult.
- Other people, on the contrary, will seek to
avoid conflicts at all costs, to the point of accumulating frustration and resentment before finally exploding. - Some may also have a tendency to devalue themselves, have difficulty trusting or alternate between a very strong need for closeness and a desire to distance themselves.
- Finally, it can happen that we have difficulty fully enjoying a happy period, already anticipating the moment when things could go wrong.
However, these behaviors alone do not allow us to conclude that there was a “childhood injury”. They can have many explanations and vary depending on people and situations.
What if the body remembers even before we understand?
Even before putting words to an emotion, the body can already react. Racing heart, lump in the stomach, muscular tension, feeling of heat or sudden desire to flee: these physical manifestations are part of the body’s response to what it perceives as a threat.
Learning to spot them can therefore be useful. Not to systematically look for an explanation in one’s childhood, but to identify the moment when one begins to lose one’s emotional grip.
“I feel like I’m reacting very strongly” can thus become the first signal allowing you to pause before responding, accusing or making an emotional decision.
Can we get out of these patterns?
When these reactions are frequent, very intense or complicate relationships in the long term, speaking with a psychologist can be a good idea. Certain psychotherapeutic approaches, notably EMDR or schema therapy, may be offered depending on the difficulties encountered.
Understanding a reaction does not mean excusing all behavior. Above all, this allows us to gradually regain control of what is happening, so that the past no longer systematically has the last word in present relationships.