When it comes to asking someone to ask something, most of us find themselves hesitating, too often torn between the fear of disturbing and the desire to be heard. It is precisely at this moment that the so -called “gold loop” method comes in. It is inspired by the eponymous tale, to learn to formulate a request neither too soft nor too aggressive. Developed by psychologist Shannon Sauer-Zavala and presented in the media Psychologytodythis method is based on the idea of an emotional balance: to say what you feel, to say when it does not go, but also to assert what you want while respecting the limits of the other.
The 5 steps of the “gold loop” method
Ask for something: an exercise that may seem delicate … except when you follow a clear structure, in five key stages. And for good reason: poorly expressed, a request can scare away, hurt or, even be completely ignored.
Sauer-Zavala recalls that a well-made request starts well before the words. The state of mind counts as much as the structure. Here’s how to do not spoil everything from the first sentence:
- Prepare the ground: before saying anything, introduce the subject adapted to the context. Create a safe space conducive to exchange;
- Express your emotions: rather than attack or justify, start by saying how you feel. This opens the door to a sincere connection;
- Make a clear and direct request: once the context is posed, make exactly what you need. Without turning around the pot;
- Anticipate the profits for the other: explain how your request could also be positive for your interlocutor. This creates a dynamic of reciprocity;
- Be ready for compromise: finally, be ready to adjust your request to be suitable for both parties. It is not a question of yielding, but of building together a solution.
What the “gold buckle” method changes in your relationships
Applying this method subtly changes the dynamics of many conversations. By creating a stable emotional framework, it allows you to say no without feeling guilty, or to say yes without feeling forced. It also helps to get out of the logic of conflict or withdrawal.
As Shannon Sauer-Zavala specifies: “You can assert your needs calmly, without being passive or dominant. It can be learned, as a new language“.
To train, she even advises to put in writing each step before an important request, such as a rehearsal script. Because yes, asking is not always natural. But with a little practice, you can learn to express themselves with accuracy, without getting lost or injuring the other.
And even if the result is not always the one hoped for, the simple fact of having communicated with clarity and respect often creates a lasting impact in the relationship. This is precisely what is expected of a well formulated request.