There are those who dream of writing a novel, changing jobs or starting a family, but who remain stuck in the fantasy stage. And those who check all the boxes on their to-do list, without knowing why they run. Between the two, something is playing out in the shadows.
Psychology offers a simple grid to understand this discrepancy: the what, these are the objectives which give us a direction; the how is the concrete everyday gestures to get closer to it. For example, a therapist describes Carla, focused on publishing her novel but engulfed in endless revisions. Where is the balance?
Success: adjusting your goals without making them an obsession
For Carla, the what is clear: see her book published. For others, it will be a promotion, a baby, a medal. These goals fuel motivation, provide direction, and often serve as a social barometer of success, especially in cultures where visible accomplishments are highly valued.
But focusing only on the result can become a trap. The novel may never find a publisher, the business may go bankrupt, the child’s project may fail. When everything hinges on an uncertain future, every setback feels like a tragedy. Conversely, living without clear goals exposes you to a feeling of emptiness, even depression.
The power of “how”: regain control of the path
The how is all Carla can do today: write a chapter, send her manuscript, train. It also means updating your CV, sending a few applications every week, reviewing your diet to lose weight. These micro-actions remain under control, nourish self-esteem and bring the mind back to the present.
Focusing only on the how has its drawbacks. Carla corrects again and again, never finishing. Others multiply tasks, spread themselves thin, filling their days with automatic actions. In the evening, it’s impossible to say where all this is leading. In couples, this logistical frenzy can replace moments of connection or discussion about the common life project.
Rebalance what you do and how you do it
A balanced daily life begins with a few goals that give hope and direction, without certainty about the outcome. The idea is then to bring the focus back to the process: what you can actually do today, this week, this month. We then move forward in small steps, while keeping in mind the mountain we want to climb.
A good exercise consists of writing an objective in a column, then opposite three or four concrete, repeatable actions, which relate to the how. We can also, as a couple, list their major joint projects, then check if the schedule and daily conversations really serve them. This back and forth between what and how then becomes your real key to success.