Are you often told that you are too stubborn, narrow-minded or that you only do what you want? It is true that you do not like to follow others, whether it is a medical recommendation, a loved one who insists that we change the way we do things or simply a habit that we know no longer suits us. But sometimes (or often) this can work against you)
The problem is not necessarily having beliefs or habits. Rigidity becomes bothersome when it prevents us from adapting when our usual way of doing things no longer works.
Fortunately for you, in “Psychology Today”, the American psychologist Alice Boyes offers five ways to become more flexible and less “stubborn”. Its central idea: being flexible does not mean submitting to others. On the contrary, it can allow you to maintain your autonomy while broadening your way of reacting.
Being stubborn: when your way of doing things ends up doing you a disservice
Having habits, defending your opinions or knowing how to say no is nothing abnormal. The difficulty appears when we continue to apply the same strategy even though the situation has changed.
For example, you know that your diet should change for health reasons, but you categorically refuse to change your habits. Or you have a recurring problem and yet continue to deal with it in exactly the same way, even if it doesn’t work.
For Alice Boyes, the first objective is therefore not to become someone who says “yes” to everything. Rather, it is about building a broader repertoire of responses, in order to be able to choose another strategy when the first no longer works.
This idea is similar to that of “psychological flexibility”, a concept particularly studied in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). It refers in particular to the ability to stay in touch with what one experiences while adapting one’s behavior to one’s objectives and values.
Choose the people whose advice you accept
If you tend to lash out as soon as someone advises you something, don’t necessarily try to listen to everyone.
Alice Boyes suggests instead determining in advance the people whose opinion you really consider relevant. This could be a specialist doctor, a colleague you respect, a particularly reasonable relative or a person who has already been through a similar situation.
When you get stuck, ask yourself this question:
“If this person had exactly my problem, how would they handle it?“
The objective is to temporarily step outside of one’s own reasoning to discover another way of approaching the situation.
Take inspiration from those who respond differently
Another possibility: observe people who face difficulties in a way that seems effective to you.
Does anyone around you handle change particularly well? Can a person cope with a difficult situation without avoiding it? How does she go about it in practice?
For Alice Boyes, observing these behaviors can allow us to discover new strategies that we can then test ourselves. It’s not about copying someone, but about expanding your own toolbox.
Trust…but verify
Being less stubborn doesn’t mean believing everything you’re told.
On the contrary, if your rigidity comes in part from a distrust of outside advice, you can set up your own verification system. Alice Boyes speaks of a logic of “trust but verify”, in other words: trust, but verify.
Concretely, choose a source that you consider reliable, find out about it, then define a way to verify if the recommendation suits you.
In healthcare, this obviously means prioritizing competent professionals and reliable medical sources rather than testing a potentially risky recommendation alone. The idea is interesting because it allows you not to experience change as a loss of control: you agree to try, but you remain involved in the decision.
Use your emotions as a signal
Anger, frustration or anxiety are often experienced as emotions that should immediately disappear. Alice Boyes suggests another reading: they can sometimes signal that it is time to modify something.
Do you feel completely stuck in a situation? Rather than staying in the same way, ask yourself: “What does this reaction teach me about what is no longer working?”
A moment of strong motivation can then serve as a starting point for establishing a new habit. But be careful: motivation can decrease over time. The idea is therefore to take advantage of this moment to implement a behavior which can then be maintained through a habit.
Pay attention to the image you have of yourself
What if your own identity prevented you from changing?
This is one of the interesting points developed by the psychologist. If you consider yourself to be very rational, very independent or, on the contrary, very original, you may reject a solution simply because it does not correspond to the image you have of yourself.
For example, accepting a “classic” method can make you feel like you are losing your uniqueness. Accepting medical advice can be seen as a sign that you are no longer capable of deciding on your own.
Then try to rephrase the situation: “Am I refusing this solution because it doesn’t work… or because it doesn’t correspond to the image I have of myself?”
This small change in perspective can allow you to regain some room for maneuver.
Being less stubborn doesn’t mean saying yes to everything
Finally, this is probably the most important point: becoming more flexible does not mean abandoning your beliefs, giving in to pressure from others or systematically accepting their advice.
Flexibility rather consists of being able to modify your way of thinking or acting when it no longer serves what really matters to you.
You can therefore maintain your autonomy while allowing yourself to experiment another path.
Perhaps the right question ultimately isn’t “How do I stop being stubborn?”, but rather: “Is the way I’m doing things still helping me today?” If the answer is no, testing another strategy does not mean being wrong. It simply means that you are able to adapt.