By nostalgia, because we realize that it was probably the good (or the right one), or even sometimes by solitude … It happens that we are tempted to reconnect with a past relationship. For this time to build something? A decision often criticized by loved ones (who may have picked you up at the small spoon at the time). But which, according to psychotherapist Annie Armstrong Miyao, can sometimes make sense.
“”I saw cases where it was wise to revisit a past relationship which had potential and which still occupied an important place in your heart. In fact, not to explore these unfinished relationships can sometimes lead to missing an opportunity to live a great love“, she announces in the media Well & Good.
On the other hand, reconnecting with an ex is not a trivial decision and can drag some pots, even when you sincerely wish, in pairs. The couple therapist therefore flattened 5 essential conditions for a new successful test.
You broke because the timing was not good
Your relationship has ended because at that time, you lived and studied in different cities, or that you were at different steps in your life. But today you are both available and ready to give a new chance. If the logistical and emotional circumstances that led to the end of the relationship have changed, it is a Green Flag To get back with an ex.
The external stress factor that disturbed the relationship has passed
Perhaps you have broken in the middle of a difficult moment (the loss of a loved one, personal concerns …) which has since attenuated. When you plan to get back together, it is good to think about how this person has managed these extreme circumstances: what do you think? If the way she managed things did not suit you, ask yourself the question of how she would manage them today before rekindling the flame. If she has changed and learned from her tests, it can be a good sign.
Your values now line up
Perhaps you have clarified your values through personal reflection, therapy or life experience, and something has changed. For example, at the start of your relationship, you had different opinions on the question of children, but you are now on the same wavelength. It is indeed important to clarify your respective points of view on the essential aspects of a couple life (children, the place of life, money, monogamy …).
Confidence has become possible between you
Either your confidence in your ex was not broken from the first contact, or you think it could be restored. In any case, if there has been a break in trust (as a deception) in your first test, it is necessary that everyone can recognize their role in the dynamics of the relationship and to apologize sincere for any harm committed.
You can tolerate the vulnerability and challenges of the relationship
Each relationship includes challenges and vulnerabilities; This is what makes her rich. The question to ask is: “Can I tolerate the particular difficulties of this relationship? “
Keep in mind that you already know this person, and rather well. Can you love it for what it is currently? Can you accept it by understanding its faults, and welcome them with love and patience, when you are painfully advancing in life for two?
If you want to live in two, you will have to go through these steps.
Do not engage without the necessary introspection
In what cases is it possible to reconnect with an ex? For psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, the answer is simpler than these five points, but just as deep.
“To recover with an ex, in a serious and peaceful way, it is above all necessary to have resolved certain things, and to have the capacity for introspection necessary to have regulated the dysfunctional dynamics. Because the same causes produce the same consequences, the only will to recover together and to love the other is not enough to create a lasting relationship.“”
A work guided by love perhaps, but which also requires a lot of self and work, announces the shrink.
“You have to be able to look in the face, develop self -criticism, introspection capacities, be able to question certain certainties, work them if necessary with a psychologist and, obviously, share this with his spouse.
Because even if, in certain situations, it is one of the people of the couple who need more to work, there is still a common work, based on a common will, again, to advance together.“”